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Premiership footballers to take gender tests
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UK troop deployment not related to election; Pope's religion questioned

30 May 2004

Tony Blair today denied that he was holding back an announcement on further troop deployments to Iraq because of the forthcoming elections. "It's not been delayed because of the elections at all - it's simply you make sure you get the decision right," he said, speaking on Breakfast with Frost.

Earlier this week the Home Secretary, David Blunkett, announced plans for sex offenders to face compulsory lie detector tests upon their release from prison. He denied that the timing of the announcement had anything to do with the elections, insisting that it was something he had been thinking about for some time.

In related news, a spokesman for the Pope today denied speculation that he is Catholic. "I mean you say that, and yes I guess he is the head of the Catholic Church and all that, but really, where's the evidence?" he said.

Meanwhile a new study has called into question the toiletry habits of a rare species of bear. The Mulletfish bear, which is usually found in remote wooded areas, had previously been thought to excrete among the trees, but according to academics at Southampton University the bears have recently turned to wandering hundreds of miles to the nearest town or city in order to use the public conveniences there. Professor Douglas Ramsbottom told DeadBrain that the problem was first noticed when councils introduced a coin-operated system with buttons that were too small for the bears to press.

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