Dubya's Week: Attack of the Robocop Kangaroos

Monday 31 May

Looks like another problem brewing at the offiss, seems Cheney might have been letting contracts to Hallyburton in Iraq according to Time maggezine. I phoned him and said is it true and he said it's better for you not to know and I said don't start that again, I've had enough of you telling me that, I want to know everything that your doing from now on. So he said OK, for brekfast this morning I had toast and bacon and eggs and two cups of coffee, and I'm wearing blue socks and a white shirt, tell me what else you want to know and I'll get back to you, then he hung up. He's getting wierder and wierder.

Toosday 1 Joon

Donny came over and said gess what them French have done now, so I said give me a clue, is it animal, vegatebble or the other one, and he said not that kind of gessing, so I said OK, what. So he said they've said you'd better not talk about Iraq when your over there for them D Day sellabrations. I said I'm president of the US of A and I can say what I like so I got on the phone to Sheerac and said just butt out Jack, nobody tells me what to do. And he said oh yeah, what about Cheney and Rumsfeld and all them others. I said I don't know what your talking about and he said you never know what anybody is talking about. Boy, that guy has a lot of gaul.

Wensday 2 Joon

Some guy from Terry Blair's offiss phoned late today, seemed reelly upset at the speech I gave at the air force acaddamy when I said like dubya dubya 2 our present conflict began with a ruthless, surprise attack on the US of A. He said I think you'll find that the second world war began two years before you lot came in and it was with a surprise attack on Poland. I said what do you mean, Pearl Harber isn't in Poland, everybody knows that, it's in Callyfornia. He mumbled something, didn't quite catch it, sounded like something about a loose screw, and then hung up. I like Terry and Queen [Elizabeth II - Ed.] and especially Sherry [Cherie Blair - Ed.] but some of these limeys are reel weird, what's screws got to do with dubya dubya 2.

Speaking of Sherry, I'm reelly excited, I hope she'll be at them D Day sellabrations. Sure would like to see her again, maybe this time she'll go for a ride with me on Air Force One, but then if she does Laura will start with her headaches again. Darn!

Thersday 3 Joon

One of the aids said don't forget the head guy from Ostralia is coming today. I couldn't think who he meant then I figgered he probbly meant Arny Shwortsnegga, he's from Ostralia and he's head guy up north there in Callyfornia, he talks reel funny. I thought I'd try to make him feel at home so I put my robocop suit out on, and when he walked in I said hastalavister, baby, but it turns out it wasn't Arny after all, just some guy called Howard. He talked reel funny too, couldn't understand him, he kept going on about how it was bumpy on the plain and it nearly made him chunder. So I just kinda smiled and nodded and said do you know Arny, he's from the same place as you, and he said I think you've got a kanngeroo loose in the top paddock mate.

After he'd gone I took an aspirin and went for a nap but I started dreaming about a flock of kanngeroos all wearing robocop suits and chasing me so I woke up screeming and after that I couldn't get back to sleep again. At least the security guys didn't come in and throw water on me like they used to do when I woke up screeming, I think they've got used to it now.

Friday 4 June

In Rome today to see the pope and Sylvia Bossanova. Pope's a nice guy but he started going on about Iraq and when was we going to give it soverannty and why did we torcher prisoners. I just let him go on, didn't want to argue with him, he's an old guy, didn't look too healthy. Gave him a medal instead, that sorta shut him up.

Later on had a meeting with Sylvia. He said what would you like for dinner and I said how about Italian, do you have Italian food like pizza here, and he said what. I wish these forreners would learn to speak American instead of just saying what to me all the time.

Saterday 5 Joon

Left for France to sellabrate D Day, I reelly like her films, wonder what she's doing these days. Not sure why we have to go all the way to France to sellabrate her though. On the way Air Force One had to turn reel suddenly, I almost choked on my peanut butter sandwich, turns out the pilot thought the French had taken a shot at it with a missle, the plain that is, not my sandwich. So when we landed I said to Sheerac what's going on, why are you firing missles at us, and he said we wouldn't do a thing like that delibberatly, it must have been an accident, they probbly thought you was an intruder, can't be too careful. So I said yeah, I bet it was an accident, do you think I'm stupid. He said do you reelly want me to anser that. Anyway I said you'd better be careful or we'll have an accident of our own, some of our cruise missles are a bit temperamental and liable to set themselves off if you catch my drift.

Later on phoned Donny to tell him what had happened. But he was sulking, he said so what, I don't reelly care if they did fire a missle, you wouldn't let me come, hope you have a nice time, try not to choke on any baggettes, and he hung up in a huff.