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Big Brother contestants "to be deported" to Portugal
17 Jun 2004
The government is forming secret plans to deport this year's remaining Big Brother contestants to Portugal, DeadBrain has learned. According to a highly-placed anonymous source, a reality TV-obsessed minister who may or may not be Tessa Jowell, officials from the Department for Culture, Media and Sport have been working with the Home Office and Hertfordshire Police to determine a way of removing the housemates from our screens "and preferably the country".
"Things came to a head last night when a fight broke out in the house. David [Blunkett] had his people contact my - er - the DCMS people and the police to see whether the housemates could be got rid of since anti-social behaviour of this kind is totally unacceptable," she said. "Which it is, but it makes terribly good viewing. I'm backing Marco to win."
It is thought that by shipping the contestants, one of whom is Portuguese, to Portugal, they could mingle with other hooligan elements, get arrested and then have their passports confiscated, "preferably while they're still in Portugal so they can't come back again".
DeadBrain contacted the Home Office for reaction and a spokesman denied that the government were killjoys as they were merely looking out for the country's best interests, "and removing that rubbish from our screens is in everybody's interests". He went on to describe suggestions that a number of tabloid newspapers could go out of business over the summer through a lack of content if Big Brother ceased as "ludicrous but a nice thought".
The spokesman added that he was unable to comment on rumours that David Blunkett has installed a television permanently tuned to E4 in the stationery cupboard in which he presently resides.
Meanwhile, Michael Howard has reportedly abandoned plans to follow in the steps of "evil" Big Brother by re-branding the Tories the "Evil Conservative Party", complete with more extremist policies, after UKIP and the BNP threatened to mount a joint legal action over copyright infringement.
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