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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · Boris Johnson |
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| You have trodden in: Home > News | 5th December |
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Ronald Reagan to visit Satan's "evil empire"18 June 2004 by Malcolm Drury
Former US President Ronald Reagan has settled in well in his new home and has already begun work there, DeadBrain has learned.
According to Father Douglas O'Ramsbottom, a Bootle priest who claims to have a direct line to the Almighty, Mr Reagan has been asked to visit the Nether Regions, which he has apparently already described as an evil empire, in order to reconcile Heaven and Hell and bring to an end the Cold War that has been raging between the two since Time Immemorial. Father O'Ramsbottom told our reporter over lunch at the "Cock and Bull" that the Almighty was so impressed by how Mr Reagan had single-handedly brought about the collapse of the Soviet Union, a former earthly evil empire, that He believes that now is the time to make an overture to Satan to see if some kind of reconciliation, or at least peaceful co-existence, is possible and that the former actor and president is the man to do it. "Sure, and He had even considered calling Mr Reagan up to Himself several years ago, but decided a few more years wouldn't matter," he said. "After all, He's been waiting for uncounted millennia for a person of the right ability to come along." He explained that now Mr Reagan is there the Almighty wishes to move quickly, so the former president will be making an official visit to Hell as soon as things can be arranged. He noted that it takes a while to set these things up and that Mr Reagan will need a crash course in theology before he goes, but he said that the Almighty is very confident that by the end of the year we will be seeing the beginnings of the end of the Satanic Union. Asked later for some kind of verification that a Bootle priest had a direct line to the Almighty a Vatican spokesman told our reporter, on condition of anonymity, that it is just one of those things that have to be accepted on faith. However, he indicated that the Holy See preferred communications with Heaven to be routed through it, rather than directly, and he noted that Father O'Ramsbottom was known to have a particular fondness for whiskey and that any claim he made should be seen in that light. He refused to confirm or deny Father O'Ramsbottom's claim saying that it fell into the category of Divine Mystery and could not therefore be discussed, except by bona fide theologians, and then only in Latin. However, he did suggest that the world should expect "something magnificent" by Christmas. When informed of Mr Reagan's plans Baroness Thatcher said, "Tell him to wait for me." See alsoAll D-Day memorials cancelled following Reagan death5 Jun 2004
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