Dubya's Week: Let loose the squirrels of war

Sunday 13 Joon

Donny phoned to say the Iranistanish forren minister says Iranistan is a member of the nucular club and the world had better get used to it. I said which forren minister and he said what and I said which forren minister said that. Donny said what do you mean, the forren minister said it, that camel crazy guy [Kamal Kharrazi, - Ed.], so I said yes but which forren minister, and what's being crazy about camels got to do with it. He said I don't know what your talking about, so I said, look all their ministers are forren, right, they're not American, and I want to know which one said it so I can phone him and tell him to back off unless he wants a visit from a cruise missle. Then Donny said a bad word and hung up. He's saying a lot of bad words lately, don't know what's wrong with him, all I asked was a simple question.

Monday 14 Joon

Donny phoned to say that Halloween guy, head of the new Iraqish government, says he expects us to turn Saddam over to them at the end of the month. I said yeah right, I didn't go into his hole and catch him, Saddam, that is, not Halloween, just to turn him over to a bunch of forreners, tell him, Halloween that is, not Saddam, that just because we're giving them soverannty doesn't mean they're gonna be running things. Saddam's mine, he was my birthday present and he's preshus to me.

Wensday 16 Joon

Boy, this has been a reelly, reelly bad day, I've had to have two cups of coco and four choclit cookies while I'm riting this to calm me down so I don't have nitemares.

First of all Donny called round in a pannik, he said gess what that commishun you set up to look into your intelligence before 9-11 has done. I said what, vindicatated me, and he said no, it says it hasn't found any evidence that Saddam helped Al Kayda after all. So I phoned Cheney and said didn't you just say the other day that Saddam had ties with Al, and he said yeah, I said it on Monday, been saying it for a long time, so have you. So I said well why is this commishun saying he didn't, is one of you trying to make me look stupid, and he mumbled something, didn't quite catch it, sounded like we don't need to.

Then a bunch of retired dipplermats and generals issued a statement condemming my forren polissy saying it's ideological and callously indifferent (I copied them words from the statement, never heard of them before) and they say I shouldn't be re-electrified in November. They said we was like Pollyanna, well what's wrong with that, that's one of my faverit movies, I just love that Shirley Temple. Or was it Doris Day.

After dinner I phoned Mom and said everybody's picking on me Mom but she just said that's too bad, I'm too busy dealing with your father to help you, what with his parrashooting out of plains and now he wants to go up in the space shuttel or bunjy jump into the Grand Cannyon, sorry son, your on your own unless I can get your Dad under control.

Thersday 17 Joon

Well them cups of coco and choclit cookies didn't work, I still had nitemares, I dreamt that Saddam had escaped and he was the head guy of Iranistan and it was halloween and he came to the door tricker-treating, he had a giant nucular weppon shaped like a camel with Al Kayda's face and he was going to blow me up so I couldn't get re-electrified. Woke up screaming and Laura said I wish you would stop dreaming so much. I said I can't help it, Cheney once told me it's my sub-conshus, he said I seem to be sub-conshus most of the time.

Another reelly bad day, another report from that commishun came out, it says our air defenses was useless and in chaos on 9-11 so I phoned Donny to ask him what he had to say about that but he wasn't in.

Friday 18 Joon

Out campaning today, the guys said I was in Washington but I didn't reckernise anything, I said where's the White House for instance, and why are them mountens there, and they said no, your in Washington state not Washington dee-see. So I said well why are they both called Washington, that's reelly confusing, and they said probbly after George Washington. So I said I have a grate idea, just so there's no more confusion how about we change the name to Bush dee-see, that's got a nice ring to it, but they said no, we can't do that. Sheesh, peeple are always telling me I can't do this and I can't do that, like Donny won't let me wear my flight suit any more, what's the point of being president if you can't do stuff.

Saterday 19 Joon

Day off, at Camp David

Donny came up to visit, I said where have you been, I've been trying to phone you about that commishun report, and he just said oh here and there. Anyway I said well come on, lets get the bisickles out and we'll go for a ride, then you can tell me, and he said no, you'll make me have an accident or something, you always do, and I said no, I promiss not to. So he said OK, so we had a nice ride around the grounds, I only fell off twice, stupid skwirrels kept running up and biting my ankles, and when we got back we had a glass of lemmonade. Donny said this is grate, I was sure you would do something stupid. I said no, of course not, would you like some more lemmonade. He said sure so I went to pour him some but just then another skwirrel bit my ankle and I panniked and dropped the jug on Donny and the lemmonade spilled over him and he just said I knew it and went off in a huff. Didn't even tell me where he was the other day.

Had a grate idea - maybe we could train them skwirrels to attack Al Kayda and his guys.