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| You are passing rapidly through: Home > News | 17th May |
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 Bush declassifies personal shopping list, proves did not order torture23 Jun 2004
The White House has declassified a series of documents in an attempt to prove that senior members of the Bush administration did not sanction the torture of terror suspects. According to a source close to the President, it is hoped that the previously secret documents, which were released to the media under a special rule known as the "Get George out of a hole rule", will reassure Americans that life is wonderful and nothing unpleasant has taken place, "or at least not to people who didn't deserve it".
However, DeadBrain's favourite secret documents expert, Dr Douglas Ramsbottom, raised a number of concerns about the documents when we showed them to him. "Yes, it's true that in none of these documents is there a shred of evidence that Bush or Rumsfeld ordered torture to take place, but then you wouldn't expect to find that sort of order on a shopping list or a paperclip requisition form," he said. "In fact, after going through hundreds of pages of mind-numbing detail, I haven't found anything remotely relevant to the treatment or mistreatment of prisoners." The closest thing Dr Ramsbottom did find to proof that President Bush did not order the torture of prisoners was a memo, handwritten in orange wax crayon on White House notepaper, saying "I George W Bush herewith and forthby declare that no torturification shall take place of anyone ever". The note was signed by President Bush and, Dr Ramsbottom said, appears to be genuine, but was unfortunately dated last Thursday. Despite the irrelevance of most of what the White House has released, conspiracy theorists are nevertheless suspicious about the authenticity of a number of the documents, including those that were not written in wax crayon. "Take this shopping list, for example," said Greg Mullet of Florida, who asked us not to mention his name because the FBI are monitoring his communications. "It was typed by the President's Secretary of State for Secretaries and appears to be his private shopping list, but it's quite clearly a fake: he's banned from eating pretzels and what use would he have for a pair of latex gloves and a tank commander's helmet? I'm not even sure Wal-Mart sell them." A second list, also written in orange crayon and containing the words "Syria, Iranistan, North Korea, France", has since been reclassified for security reasons. Related Articles MoD considers adequate equipment supply for British troops 8 Jun 2004
New Iraq puppet government: Sooty in charge2 Jun 2004
UK troop deployment not related to election; Pope's religion questioned30 May 2004
Plans for new Bush statue to replace Saddam ruin in Baghdad25 Apr 2004
Secret US plan to turn Iraq over to Halliburton uncovered20 Apr 2004
Saddam Hussein promises Iraq truce in return for release15 Apr 2004
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