Exclusive: Tape casts doubt on Bush's "no torture" claims

Pentagon official: Mr President. Sir. Sir? Sir, are you awake?

George Bush: Eh? What? Oh, hi honey, two sugars please.

PO: No, sir, it's [unintelligble] from Mr Rumsfeld's office.

GB: Oh hi, how is Donny? Is he still suffering from his hammerheads? [presumably haemorrhoids - Ed.]

PO: No, he's a lot better sir. But he asked me to clarify your position on the use of torture in Iraq and elsewhere.

GB: Why would we use tortoises? I thought we had tanks. I drove a tank once, shot a cow, but we covered it up. The cow, not the tank.

PO: No, sir, torture. You know, using pain and other methods to make people talk.

GB: I had a tortoise once. Called it George, after me, but it wasn't like me, it was real slow. Don't know what happened to it, I think I drove over it. Not in a tank though.

PO: No, sir, torture, not tortoise. Torture. You know, using pain and other methods to make people talk.

GB: I'd rather use something to stop people talking. Like Kerry. And Ridge, boy he just drones on and on and on. I just have to say no, Tom, no. Torture?

PO: Yes sir, Mr Rumsfeld wants to know how to make the prisoners in Iraq cooperate. Should we use it, or just use standard interrogation techniques?

GB: No, torture.

PO: But can it be justified sir, maybe it's illegal.

GB: No, torture can be justified.