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Camelot to decimalise National Lottery
Camelot, the company responsible for the National Lottery, announced today that it is to alter the format of the main Lotto game. Each individual number will include ten additional decimal variants, now permitted after the Government's relaxation on gambling regulations. The new Lotto, to be renamed Lotto Decimal, will not begin until the end of 2004 as currently Camelot do not have the balls to work the huge custom-made machines that have been built to order by an Oxford specialist.
The company's Public Relations Director, Douglas Ramsblotto, explained the workings of the new game at a press conference. "The basic game will remain the same in that the machine, prize money, and overlong tedious television spot will all be kept as they currently are," he said. "However, each round number will be broken down from 1.0 to 49.9, a lot more numbers for your pound and clearly much better value overall."
"The extra digits have the added bonus of requiring an A3 sized ticket, so with any luck there will be no more unclaimed winners lurking down the back of a sofa in Wiltshire," he added. "And children's birthdays can now be used with greater accuracy as well."
The move comes at a time when Lotto sales are flagging, and the introduction of many different games with lower prize monies has failed to rejuvenate interest to the heady levels of the mid-1990s. Games such as Monopoly Lotto, Gardeners World Lotto and Metrosexual Lotto are barely scraping a profit.
Shareholders have welcomed the change, but gambling addicts are scathing. "I had little chance as it was, even with just 49 numbers and 49 tickets per week," said Gregory T Mullet, a junior executive at the company and long-time addict. "I mean nearly 500 numbers? They have got to be kidding me. The odds are so long now that Camelot are renting supercomputer time from the MET Office just to work them out. I'm tempted to buy like, 200 tickets a week just to show them who's really gonna win."
In private Mr Ramsblotto was more frank. He remains confident that the changes will benefit all, especially himself and the company. "The government does not alter regulations without good reason," he argued with a straight face. "It is possible that fewer people will win in the new game but it will be much more fun than the old one, and it will mean more money goes to our shareholders – er – I mean good causes."
"And it will help cut down on fraud: anyone who wins the Jackpot on our new game will be either a liar or a cheat."
Early research indicates that profits from Camelot's core markets, including bored housewives and people who don't understand the odds, are likely to increase. However, one potentially lucrative market – mathematicians - continues to veto all Lotto games in protest at the odds, a situation Camelot hopes to rectify with the addition of the novelty 3.1415927 ball.
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