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| You are sitting on: Home > News | 20th March |
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 White House reveals bin Laden plot against Democrats, orders "protective conscription"9 Jul 2004 by Malcolm Drury
US Homeland Security Secretary Tom "Eeyore" Ridge today revealed that a plot to carry out a large-scale terror attack against Democratic candidates and voters in the United States in the near future has been uncovered by the CIA. It is apparently being directed by Osama bin Laden and other top members of al Qaeda from their remote hideouts somewhere along the Afghanistan-Pakistan border, or perhaps in Spain, or maybe a fish and chip shop in Bootle, according to senior intelligence officials.
"This type of plotting, this type of operational activity, is being done with the direct direction and authorisation of that senior leadership," said a highly-placed member of the administration, who spoke on condition of anonymity, but is believed to be Vice President Dick "Head" Cheney. "It is specifically targeted at Democrats," he said. "So they'd better watch out." "We wouldn't want any harm to come to them, would we," he added, smiling enigmatically. As a result, the colour-coded terror alert level has been raised to an unprecedented, and specially created, Deep Purple for Democrats and other liberals. It remains at yellow for Republicans. In addition, Secretary of Offence Donald "Dr. Strangelove" Rumsfeld announced that all Democrats between the ages of 2 and 102 are to be conscripted into the US military. "Do we like doing this?" he asked at a Pentagon press conference. "Golly yes," he replied. "It kills two birds with one stone - oh sorry, bad phrasing - I mean it serves two purposes. It will give Democrats the protection they need and also give them a chance to go fight those who would attack them. So we'll be sending them off to Afghanistan and Iraq as soon as we have enough bullets." An angry John Kerry, the Democratic presidential candidate, said that this was nothing less than a disgraceful ploy to ensure that the incumbent "Boy" George W. Bush wins the November election. "We saw the lengths they went to in 2000 to steal the election," he told reporters, "so it comes as no surprise." In totally unrelated news, a scathing Senate Intelligence Committee report released earlier today accuses the CIA of producing false or overstated analyses that failed dictator Saddam Hussein™ had chemical and biological weapons and was working to make nuclear weapons. The report also accuses the CIA of being led by "group think". Hiram K. Ramsbottom, a CIA analyst and spokesman, defended the agency at a conference this afternoon, telling reporters that anyone can make a mistake. "Isn't that right guys?" he asked about thirty colleagues standing around him. "Yes," they replied in unison. Related Articles Exclusive: Tape casts doubt on Bush's "no torture" claims 24 Jun 2004
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