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Red Cross delivers heavily-salted snacks to drought-stricken South Africa
The International Red Cross this week delivered a cargo of 35 tonnes of salty treats to the South African community in response to the country's steadily-worsening drought situation. The foods were accumulated from individual donations by supporters around the UK and Ireland, as well as from bulk donations by Walkers and KP. Tesco also donated some 5 tonnes of its Value brand crisps, but the majority of those remained uneaten at the time of publication.
South Africa's Red Cross representative, Dglas Ramsbothom, spoke exclusively to DeadBrain over a bowl of peanuts at the organisation's offices outside Cape Town. "It has been a very tough time for us here lately. Sugar farmers have been hit especially badly, but all crop farmers are suffering. Most of our wells have dried up entirely...Pot Noodles lie useless in our warehouses." Here the representative called on an aide for a packet of pretzels, clearly relishing the small but uplifting supplies international aid has provided.
"But this is only a temporary measure," he continued. "The supplies, while much appreciated, cannot last. We do not know when rainfall will replenish our fields and cups, and some in the South African government are questioning whether our people should be sitting cross-legged on parched soil yumming up salt and vinegar crisps while waiting to catch rain for drinking water." Again Mr Ramsbothom called on an aide, this time for a drink. The aide shook his head dejectedly before apologetically offering us a bottle of Chateau Latour 1982 instead, which we heartily consumed along with a bumper bag of onion rings.
"It is a great shame to us that we require outside aid at all," he said, crunching away. "We are a proud country, and let's face it, better than you, so in many ways it takes great strength of character for us to ask for assistance from you. While we question the decision to airdrop several tonnes of much-needed arsenic into Cape Town's single reservoir containing drinkable water, we are confident that the drought crisis will pass and that we will soon be able to repay our debt to the UK."
Arsenic was flown to South Africa after UK officials discovered an unsafe surplus near Birmingham and had to shift it elsewhere, pronto. In addition to arsenic and salted goods, Tony Blair has pledged to provide the country with bendy straws, piano wire and temporary tattoos, all of which are also in short supply and desperately needed, as water is used in their production process.
DeadBrain will not be found at the back of the queue when people are in need, either. We have sent many of our least proficient writers and website designers to help dig new wells in the hottest, most unendurable areas of the country. A smug Editor was quoted as saying: "I heard they are most grateful that our staff are out there. I know I am."
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