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| You are disappointed to see: Home > News | 6th October |
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Flat Earth Society in talks to run new city academy11 Jul 2004 by Joey Sarajevo
Pupils at a new 'City Academy' funded by the Flat Earth Society are to be taught that a round Earth and heliocentric Solar System are "only a theory" under plans unveiled following the proposed reform of secondary education in England and Wales, it emerged yesterday.
The expansion in 'City Academies' - schools partially funded and run by private entities - is a central plank in Labour's plans for overhauling the way in which educational establishments are administered, and follows glowing OFSTED reports for pioneering examples such as Emmanuel City College in Gateshead. The school, aided by money from the Evangelical Christian Sir Peter Vardy, has produced excellent results over the past few years. It has attracted controversy, however, over the views of senior members of staff concerning the teaching of the Hebrew creation myth as literal truth. Sir Peter, a Bible literalist who has amassed a £75m fortune in spite of this disability, has already confirmed that he plans to help found several more institutions to teach "a strong Christian ethos" and poison impressionable minds with a bunch of Mesopotamian fairy stories and out-of-context allegorical tales. Inspired by this example, a spokesman for the Flat Earth Society of Great Britain yesterday announced plans for a new school in the West Midlands. Addressing the concerns of parents at a subsequent press conference, he was quick to confirm that the National Curriculum ensured that science lessons would cover the "possibility" of a round Earth: "Of course, that is one view, a view with some strong support. However, it is not the only position - it is not one I personally share - and I think the children deserve to hear both sides of the debate." When one parent pointed out that the choice was between a history of sustained scientific enquiry by some of the best and brightest intellects the human race has produced and a position last taken seriously in the fifteenth century, he responded: "That may be true. But on the other hand it's our money and we'll do what the f**k we like." It was also revealed that the school would set out policies for encouraging sport, with a view to helping reduce the problem of teenage obesity. "The playing of football, basketball and netball will be greatly encouraged," confirmed the spokesman. "But to avoid using funds already earmarked for books, teachers and IT we aim to save money by removing the globes from the geography department and painting them white or orange as appropriate. After all, maps are much easier to use. And flat." Other institutions to propose running Academies include a group put together by the fast food industry, which plans to take over several catering colleges with a view to turning out "talented chefs capable of turning even the cheapest and most unpleasant ingredients into curiously compelling dishes through the judicious application of E-numbers and a multi-million-pound marketing campaign targeted at children." Following criticism from parents, teachers, the media and its own backbenchers, the government moved this morning to defend the plans: "Sure, you could say that a better way to get these people to contribute to education funding would be by actually taxing their vast fortunes," announced a junior minister from the Department for Education and Employment. "But we feel the current plans are in the best interests of students - not to mention filthy rich businessmen who may be considering donating money to political parties in the run-up to an election year."
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