Dubya's Week: The Twins of Mass Distraction

Sunday 11 Jooly

Terry Blair phoned, he sounded reel agitertated, he said his intelligence service has retracted its assessment of Saddam's weppons of mass destruction. I said grate, what's the problem, and he said what do you mean what's the problem. So I said well that's good news isn't it, and he said no, don't you know what retracted means. So I said well just remind me, maybe it means something different in the U of K, you peeple sure talk funny, and he said stop wittering, it means they've said it was all rong, this is seerious, I'm probbly gonna lose my job. I said don't worry about that, I've told you before, if you do lose it there's always one at the ranch for you. Then he kinda screamed and hung up. Couldn't figger out why he'd do that, too much stress I gess. Not like me, I don't have any stress, Condi once said she wished she could grin innainly all the time like I do. I couldn't find innainly in the dickshannery but I figger it was a condiment, that's the kind of guy Condi is.

Monday 12 Jooly

Donny came over in a pannik, he said Newsweek has published our plan to postpone the election if there's a terrorist attack, or if we think there might be one sometime, or if it rains between now and November. I said I hope nobody leaks Plan 9 from Outer Space and he said what do you mean, there's no such thing, have you been watching them space movies again, I know your mind is like outer space but try to stay on Earth. I said well isn't it that one to build a lot more camps like that one at Gamtawanmano Bay, but for libberals, and he said who told you about that, it's supposed to be a secrit, we figgered it's better for you not to know. I said Ashcroft I gess, I can't reelly remember, and Donny said oh did he, well I gotta go, I've suddenly remembered I have to go see Ashcroft on urgent bisness.

Later on gave speech in Oak Ridge, Tennassee, I said America is a lot safer now thanks to me, nearly added "and Plan 9" but remembered not to just in time. Somebody said well if that's the case why would you need to postpone the election. Couldn't think of the anser so I just said sorry that's a big secrit, I can't tell you. Think I got away with it but it was a bit embbaressing. I wish somebody would tell me what's going on but all they ever say is just read the speech.

Toosday 13 Jooly

Sheerac just won't mind his own bisness, now he's yapping on about how he doesn't like how we give money to poor nations to buy our drugs, he says they should be allowed to use it to buy forren ones or make their own. Well where's the sens in that, that would be like going to all the trouble of blowing up Iraq so we can get some money to Hallyburton to rebuild it and then letting the Iraqians give it to the French or Germaniums instead, well no way hosay. Sheesh, wonder if we can extend Plan 9 to include Sheerac.

Wensday 14 Jooly

Terry Blair phoned, he seemed a lot happier than on Sunday, he said his butler has looked into his intelligence about Iraq, Terry's that is, not the butler's, and exxonerated him again like that Hutton guy did. I said that's grate, I know how you feel, we just had some guys looking into my intelligence and they didn't find anything, it sure feels good.

Reel proud of the twins, Jenna and the other one, I've got them involved in the re-electrification campane now, hope that distracts peeple from listening to Kerry and Edwards. And today they were both in Voge magazine, Jenna and the other one I mean, not Kerry and Edwards. Jenna said they were thinking of being in another magazine, not sure what it's about, she said it's called Play Boy, so I gess it's about sports. I said that sounds grate. Got to thinking later, maybe we could get Laura to be in it too.

Thersday 15 Jooly

Saw on Fox news that that famus limey scientist guy that talks even funnier than most limeys, what's his name, has changed his mind about black holes and now he says you can get stuff out of them. Well woopdy doo, even I know that, we got lots of stuff out of Saddam's black hole for instance, what's the big deal. Maybe if I don't get re-electrified I can be a scientist, seems like all they have to do is say things that are pretty obvious, Cheney says I'm reel good at that.

Sined some law about identity theft. Not reelly sure what that is but I think it might be like if Cheney, for instance, pretended to be me, but then that wouldn't make sens, he's chubby and bald and I'm pretty sure he takes his teeth out at night, but I'm reel rugged and I still got my own hair and teeth, nobody would ever think he was me.

Saterday 17 Jooly

Day off.

Phoned Donny and said how about we do a bit of shopping without the wives, I hate going shopping with Laura, but don't tell her that, she makes me try dresses on so she can see how they look. I said we can go look at hunting knives and guns and trucks and guy stuff like that. He said OK that sounds good, so I picked him up and we went to the mall. Had a grate time, I bought a Superman comic and some Tex Ritter see dees and a Janet Jackson poster, then we had a stake. When we left he said OK this is a huge parking lot, did you make a note of where we parked, and I said sure, do you think I'm stupid or something, it was right next to that blue car with Florida plates. He kinda groaned and said why do I come out with you, I shoulda known you'd do something like that, I'm going home, and he got in a taxi and went off in a huff. I have no idea why.

I evencherly found the car, had to wait until the mall closed and everybody had gone home. Never did see that blue one again, though, wierd, that.