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Ryanair to phase out luggage, crew, landing gear in budget drive
Ryanair, the UK's second-favourite cheapo no-frills airline, is to phase out the majority of luxuries and necessities within the next 12 months. Airline industry experts have been expecting the move for some time now, since the charges for excess luggage and children skyrocketed to £4.50 per kilo last year. The charges are by far the highest in commercial aviation, and a further excess charge of £50 for carrying any luggage at all on board is additionally being considered.
The company's chairman, Michael O'Leary, is well known for his abrasive 'Screw You' business practises and customer service. He has been criticised in the past for his re-certification of infants as hand luggage, and the British Airline Pilots' Association (BALPA) staged two walkouts during Ryanair's second year of service over his zealous cost-cutting methods. Since 2002, airline staff have been fed Pedigree Chum instead of industry standard airline food, a move which proved surprisingly unpopular.
Mr O'Leary outlined his new budget cuts in the company's report to shareholders at their Annual General Meeting today. DeadBrain, ever-prudent investors in the cheap and suspect, were present. Mr O'Leary took the podium to put forth his plan for the future.
"Coaches do not have staff serving drinks, why should we? **** that. Let the people eat cake, and serve cake too. No reason they can't get their fat arses out of their seats and get it themselves. In fact, seats can probably go too, we can really pack 'em on if they stand," Mr O'Leary said, radiating sincerity.
"Landing gear has been highlighted as a real fuel guzzler, so therefore as of June 2005, runways will be equipped with rails, and our aircraft with receptors, in order to facilitate a ****-shakingly painful but efficient take-off/landing scenario."
"Negotiations with BALPA have ensured that pilots will remain on all flights, however we are looking into overhauling the current navigation system. Trials aboard flights from Dublin have convinced us that the future will consist of sacking the navigator, selling off the onboard computers and leaving a map and compass on a table somewhere near the front window. Research indicates that there's bound to be a Boy ****ing Scout on board who knows how to use them." At the close of his speech Mr O'Leary stuck two fingers up at the news cameras, snogged the Vice-President's wife, and swaggered offstage to rapturous applause.
However, not all of Mr O'Leary's initiatives garnered quite as much enthusiasm. His suggestion to eliminate brakes and associated costs by "just landing really, really slowly" was laughed off by even his closest supporters.
So what does the extravagant CEO plan to do when he hits budget bedrock? "I don't know really," he said. "Perhaps I will branch out and **** up an entirely new market by reducing costs so much that standards disappear and competitors struggle to stay in business. I always had an interest in medicine."
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Wow, look at this!
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