Dubya's Week: The Squirrels of Terror and the Presidential Nuts

Sunday 25 Jooly

On vacashun at the ranch. Fell off bike again, a herd of skwirrels jumped me and bit my ankles, wonder if there's a skwirrel conspirassy, the last time it happened was at Camp David, don't think it was the same ones this time, how would they get to Texas.

Monday 26 Jooly

Clinton's a big show off, he gave a speech at the demercrat convenshun, boy he reelly thinks he's good. He went on about how me and Cheney didn't go to Vietnam and how Kerry did. Well I was an ace fighter pilot in the National Gard and I had to stay and gard Texas and Alabamma, somebody had to, we couldn't all go to Vietnam. I did a darn good job too, there were no Vietnamese attacks in Texas and Alabamma on my watch but nobody ever says anything about that, they just go on about goody-goody Kerry. It's just not fair.

Anyway dissided I'm gonna be reel firm and tell Donny I want a speshul commander-in-cheef suit, with lots of gold ribbons and buttons, and a hat with a fether in it, and a nice sord, and maybe a wissle. And I want some medals, I once fell out of my plain and landed on my head when I was in the National Gard, that should count, Cheney says it explanes a lot. Come to think of it maybe it was twice, them days are a bit of a blur.

Toosday 27 Jooly

Demercrat convenshun still going on, Kerry's wife gave a speech, she went on about how her preshus husband was in Vietnam. OK so he was brave but what about me when I went into Saddam's hole to capcher him, that was pretty brave, he could have had anything down there, even a nucular bomm for all I knew. I said to Donny why didn't she say something about that. He said well maybe it's because you didn't ackcherly capcher Saddam personally, your just imajening it. Wierd that, I coulda swore I capchered him. Maybe I'm thinking of that other guy, Al Tallyban.

Wensday 28 Jooly

Boy, he just gets worser and worser, Kerry I mean, he arrived in Boston for his preshus convenshun and he had some of the crew of the boat he commanded in Vietnam with him. Sheesh, what a show-off. Anyway I phoned Donny and said see if you can find out where the crew I commanded when I was in the National Gard are today. He said I don't think you commanded anybody and I said sure I did, there was the guy who started the plain, and the one who fixed it when I'd finished flying it, and that guy with the mole on his neck who never said anything, I never did figger out what he did. Donny just said your imajening things again. I'm getting tired of him saying I'm imajening things, maybe I'll fire him and say hey Donny, I didn't imajen that.

Thersday 29 Jooly

Saw something inneresting on Fox news, seems skwirrels talk to each other but in reel high voices so we can't hear. Boy, why would they do that unless they had something to hide. So I phoned Donny and said look, we've gotta do something about these terror skwirrels, seems to me they've maybe been trained by Al Kayda, or maybe Kerry, why else would they keep biting me and talking so I can't hear. Donny said OK, your anallasis is right on as usual, I can see why your president, I'll get right on it, I bet them skwirrels is the new frontier in the war on terrorism.

Kerry gave his speech at the convenshun, showing off as usual and going on about Vietnam. I'm surprised he didn't wave his preshus medals at everybody. So I told Donny I want to do something reel spectaclear, like parashoot onto an aircraft carrier wearing my commander-in-cheef suit or maybe my flight suit and general's hat and he just said forget it, that's never going to happen, and stop going on about your flight suit and general's hat or I'll take them away from you. Sheesh, does he want to win this election or not.

Friday 30 Jooly

Back campaning, fell asleep on the bus and dreamt Kerry was a giant skwirrel and he was attacking me, he said I want your nuts to make some medals, and I said I don't have any nuts and he said that's why he should be president and not me. No idea what that meant. Anyway I woke up in a pannik shouting get away from me, I told you I don't have any nuts. All the guys started laffing and wouldn't stop. When I came to my senses I said what's so funny, you wouldn't like being attacked by a giant skwirrel that wants your nuts. Somebody said there's no such thing and I said well there could be, there's giant rabbits, like that one in that Jimmy Stewart movie, it was invisable, too. Boy, when your president you have to know everything.

Saterday 31 Jooly

Day off.

Dissided to get a new hobby, Laura said how about photograffy. I said that's a grate idea so I sent one of the security guys to Wal-Mart for one of them digital cameras. When he came back I said did you get a roll of digital film and he looked kinda puzzled for a while then he smiled and said sure, sir, I've already put it in. Then I phoned Donny and said I've got something to show you. When he came I said stand by the goldfish pond and I'll take a photo of you. So he stood there and I said back a bit and he moved back, I said a bit more, and he moved back a bit more, and I said just a bit more. He looked reel nervous but he moved back and I took his photo and said what's the problem, why are you swetting so much, you'd better have some lemmonade. So he sat by the side of the pond with his lemmonade and I dissided to take a photo of him when he wasn't looking, but by then it was getting a bit dark so the flash went off. It startelled him and he fell in. He got out all wet and said you imbassil, look what you've done, made me ruin another shirt, and he went home in a huff.

I figgered I'd better not menshun the goldfish that was caught in what's left of his hair.