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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · Boris Johnson |
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| You have fallen into: Home > News | 4th July |
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Blair meets Abigail Molotov, medium to the rich and powerful5 Aug 2004 by Ian Walker
For years, Abigail Molotov has been secretly recording the private séances she offers to her select clientele. Ian Walker, her least favourite nephew, has been given the task of transcribing the sessions likely to prove most lucrative. Here we present a recording from September 2002, when a certain highly placed member of the UK government came to visit.AM: Welcome to Abigail's house of truth, young man. Visitor: It's good of you to see me at short notice – you came highly recommended by my friend Peter. AM: Ah, poor Peter. I was able to channel Marco Polo during his last visit. Such a shame he didn't realize that all the talk of crossing borders in the East was really about passports. But you must understand, I'm simply a conduit through which the spirits can speak. It's up to you to make sense of what they say. So, who is it you wish to contact today? Visitor: I'm not entirely sure. I was hoping to speak to somebody who was good at writing. I've got to write the foreword to an important report, you see, and I'm finding it quite difficult. AM: I understand. Close your eyes and we can begin. That's it. Now, is there anybody in the spirit world today who was a writer? Anybody? [Voice deepens] Hello, yes, it's Charles Dickens here. Visitor: Charles Dickens? Perfect! Mister Dickens, I'm writing the foreword to a report and I've got lots of pieces of information to tie together, but they're all so vague and full of qualifications. I'm really keen to summarize them in a balanced way that reflects these uncertainties, but I'm not sure how best to do it. AM: I see. Well, Tony, you have to understand that the public are a poorly educated lot who live and work under the heels of a few tremendously rich factory owners. If you want to tell them anything, you've got to keep it simple. I mean, when I was writing Hard Times, what would I have got if I'd also discussed the positive sides of Utilitarianism? A stodgy plum pudding of a book that nobody would finish – that's what! No, it was far better to decide I was just going to slate the idea and then make the point over and over. You have to do the same when you write. You have to pick one side of the argument, say it as clearly as you can, and damn the rest! Visitor: I see. AM: Oh, and if you can sum up the whole book in the title, that's even better. Visitor: Ah, so this original title, 'The possibility of Iraq once having tried to obtain weapons of mass destruction'...? AM: Exactly. You know what to do. Oh, and remember – you can always trust a Butler to do the right thing. B'bye! [Normal voice] Ah, the spirit world is fading now, the voices are growing dim. You must let me rest, young man. Visitor: Of course. Well, thank you so much for your help. It's been most interesting. Er, have you any idea what he meant about butlers? AM: I am only a conduit through which the spirits can speak, love. Leave me now, for I'm expecting a visit from Harry Secombe and must recoup my energies.
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