Dubya's Week: The quiet screams of Donald Rumsfeld

Sunday 29 Augest

Went for a ride on my bike at the secrit service training place near here, managed not to fall off and didn't get attacked by skwirrels for once, but got jumped by some secrit service guys who were training. I said do you know who I am and one of them said aren't you that guy that does the weather forecast on Fox and I was a bit shaken up and hadn't got all of my senses back, so I said no I'm Dick Cheney, then I remembered who I was and said I'm the president I mean. Then one of them said well prove it, you could be Al Kayda in disgize for all we know, I said no I'm not, I'm George Dubya Bush and I'm gonna leave every stone unturned to catch Al Kayda. Then they all started laffing and said OK sir, we beleeve you now, nobody else talks like that, sorry but we can't be too careful. Must ask Ashcroft where he gets these peeple from, I think they're a few inches short of a pound.

Later on practissed my convenshun speech in front of the guys. I said frends, Romans and Americans lend me your ears, we shall fight them on the beaches and on the landing grounds, it's not the beginning of the end of the middle, we shall never surrender, may the force be with you. Donny said where did you get all that from and I said I rote it myself, and he said no you didn't and I said yes I did, well, OK, one of the twins gave me it, not Jenna, the other one, it's an originnal essay she rote when she was at unaversity and I rote it out on this piece of paper, look. Then he bared his teeth and started to scream, but reel shrill and quiet, it was reel wierd, and then he fell down and started rolling over and over on the carpet, then he just got up still reel quiet and he was reel white and he just said read the speech we give you and went home.

Monday 30 Augest

Was on TV, the interviewer said can we win the war on terror and I said I don't think so. Donny was in the studio watching and when I said that he went red and white and started jumping up and down and waving to me so I said hi Donny, what's wrong, and waved back, and he shouted what did you say that for you imbassil and he threw his cup of coffee at me but it missed and hit the interviewer. Watched it later on TV but for some reason they cut that bit out.

Later on I asked him how the convenshun was going, Donny I mean, not the interviewer, I said did Julie Andrews have them kids with her for her speech and he said what are you talking about now and I said you know, that Julie Andrews, used to be mayor of New York when 9-11 happened, did she have them kids that sing with her. Then he said I've had just about as much of you as I can take and he started to scream reel quiet again just like on Sunday and he started biting his tie. I think he's losing it.

Toosday 1 Augest

Out campaning in Tennassee, I said forget what I said yesterday, we can win the war against Al Kayda and his frends, when I told that interviewer that we couldn't win I meant if Kerry was president, only the lights was hot in the studio and Rumseld was waving at me so I got a bit confused and I forgot to say that bit. Think I got away with it.

Wensday 1 September

Getting ready to go to New York to the convenshun, but couldn't find my general's hat or speshul US army camaflage underpants with the secrit ammo belt. I said to Donny, hey, you was upstairs yesterday, what were you doing, and he said oh, er, Laura wanted me to catch a spider in your bedroom, so I said yeah right, I bet you hid my stuff didn't you, and he said why would I do a thing like that, anyway I gotta go, I just remembered something reel urgent, and he left. I bet he did hide it, maybe he hid my wissle too, I never did find that.

Thersday 2 September

Gave my speech at the convenshun. Said all the usual stuff. Before I went on Donny said there's a trap door where you'll be standing so stick to the script and if you don't you'll have an accident if you take my meaning. Not sure if he was bluffing or not but he's got reel wierd recently so I figgered I'd better do as he said just to be sure, didn't want to be emmbaressed.

Friday 3 September

Jeb phoned in a pannik, he was talking reel fast and I didn't quite catch what he said, thought he said France was about to attack Florida with a hurrycan so I said OK leave it to me, I'm the war president, Sheerac isn't getting away with that. So I phoned Donny and said did you know France is about to attack Florida, I want an all out attack on them, speshally Sheerac, and you might as well make it prime time and get Fox to cover it. Then he did that reel quiet scream again, boy, I reelly think he's finally flipped. Anyway turned out it was nothing to do with Sheerac after all, too bad reelly it woulda been a grate oppertunity to show who's boss of the world and get lots of per cents in the poles.

Saterday 4 September

Day off, sorta - gotta do some campaning even on days off now.

When I got home Laura said the windows are reel dirty so get out and clean them. I said no way, I'm the president and we have ordinerry peeple to do that. She said well it's your decision, oh dear I feel a headache coming on if you take my meaning so I said reel quiet so what's new. Then she said what did you say and I said I said OK OK, I'm going.

Anyway I figgered Donny should help, he spends enough time here, so I phoned him and said get over here. He didn't sound too pleased but I just said Defens Secraterry Condi has a nice ring to it don't you think and he gave his little quiet scream then said OK, I'm on my way. When he got here I said you go up the ladder and clean the balcony windows, so he got started. Then the security guys came and said our football got stuck in a tree, can we borrow the ladder so I said sure, how about I come and play with you. So we got the ball and played for an hour but then it started to rain so we went inside. Somebody said what's all that shouting, so we went out to look and it was Donny on the balcony, he was reel mad and reel wet and shouting bad words, he said where's the Cheney-word ladder, I can't get in, the windows are locked you imbassil. So we got the ladder and he came down and I said sorry about that, how about some lemmonade, but he just glared at me and went home in a huff, didn't even bring his bucket and sponge down, but at least he didn't scream.