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Milburn given new job annoying Gordon Brown, finding work for Milburn
8 Sep 2004
The former Health Secretary, Alan Milburn, returned to government tonight in a new role designed to irritate Gordon Brown. Mr Milburn, who resigned last year saying that he wished to spend more time with his young family, has now apparently become sick of the sight of them and would much rather spend his time hanging around Downing Street annoying the Chancellor of the Exchequer.
For his part, Tony Blair is said to be feeling lonely and depressed following the departure of many of his close friends and colleagues, including Peter Mandelson, Stephen Byers, Alastair Campbell, Anji Hunter and Jimmy Young from Radio 2. Mr Milburn – a close ally - was thus an obvious choice, but the reluctance of any of Mr Blair's most senior cabinet colleagues to resign and make way for him proved problematic.
DeadBrain's highly placed source in Downing Street, one of the policemen that stand guard outside Number 10, reports that "loud shouting" was heard when Mr Blair apparently suggested to Gordon Brown that he might consider stepping aside for an indefinite period of time. Unconfirmed reports suggest that a quantity of crockery may have been damaged during their full and frank discussion, and an order of new teacups and matching saucers is to be delivered tomorrow.
Since Mr Blair's proposal of Andrew Smith as a sacrificial peace offering was rejected by all sides (with the exception of Andrew Smith's following a miscommunication), Mr Blair decided to allocate Mr Milburn the suddenly more powerful position of the Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster, a position formerly held outside the Cabinet by someone that nobody had heard of.
Mr Milburn's duties as the Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster are so far unclear, but DeadBrain understands that they may contain the following:- Finding out what the Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster is supposed to do
- Attending Cabinet meetings to wind up Gordon Brown
- Reminding Gordon Brown at every opportunity that he isn't the only Chancellor
- Coordinating a cross-departmental policy on annoying Gordon Brown with the eventual aim of stopping him becoming prime minister
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Look at this, moron.
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