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David the Boy Wonder speaks on Batman palace intrusion
A day after a campaigner for the rights of divorced and separated fathers made his way past armed guards dressed as Batman and spent five hours on a ledge at Buckingham Palace, one of Britain's action heroes has said that he does not want the palace to become inaccessible to the general public.
As DeadBrain exclusively reported yesterday, Metropolitan Police issued an appeal for assistance to mysterious caped crusader B-Man and his assistant, David the Boy Wonder, when they were unsure of how to deal with the situation as they were unable to decide under which target their response should fall. Unfortunately, neither superhero responded and it was finally left to the police to act. They eventually decided that the incident fell under the Consumer Protection Act, on the grounds that the protester was not really Batman, and removed him.
Speaking to a press conference today, the Boy Wonder apologised for the heroes' absence and explained that B-Man and he were busy on a different case at the time, dealing with an even more evil villain he called The Chancellor.
He went on to say that it would be most unfortunate if Buckingham Palace and the other royal residences were made inaccessible to the masses, particularly as it has only very recently come under the Countryside and Rights of Way Act and its grounds are therefore open to ramblers whenever the Queen and Prince Philip are staying elsewhere. He encouraged the government to try to reach a "happy balance" between security and the public's access to public places and monuments, while noting that those who did breach palace security should be subjected to stiff penalties.
Asked to explain, he began by pounding his left palm with a clenched right fist, and said that a sound public flogging and tagging for satellite tracking is in order for a first offence, and boiling in oil for a second. He said he believed that with those measures in place the risk of a third offence would be minimal.
"Kapow! Pow! Biff!" he added before jumping into the specially-reinforced B-Car and driving off at high speed.
Late NewsThere are reports that a group of Scottish Nationalists, posing as ramblers, have taken the Boy Wonder at his word and infiltrated the Balmoral estate, where Her Majesty is currently in residence. It appears that they are being stalked by an unidentified aristocratic-looking elderly gentleman dressed in full combat gear, shouting "bugger off you skirt-wearing bog dwellers" and hurling sharpened cromachs at them. Local police have been unable to confirm the reports.
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Look at this, moron.
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