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Sun smuggles live elephant into Parliament; security officially declared a joke
16 Sep 2004
Security at Britain's most important buildings was today officially declared a joke by the general public and Peter Hain following repeated embarrassing breaches. Earlier this week a man dressed as Batman cunningly outfoxed armed police officers at Buckingham Palace by "climbing over a wall and walking round them" and went on to spend five hours on a ledge half way up the building. Negotiators were only able to coax him down once darkness fell and their specially-recreated bat signal could be seen shining into the sky, at which point he fled back to the bat cave.
As if that was not ridiculous enough, yesterday a number of men in t-shirts ran into House of Commons, bypassing its security force consisting of a man in tights with a sword, and interrupted proceedings. The Deputy Speaker immediately suspended the House and chastised the men for their inappropriate clothing. MPs were said to be "outraged", with one Tory commenting that "even the Liberals have the decency to wear a jacket and tie".
However, tonight an alleged newspaper called "the Sun" revealed that an even more serious breach of security had taken place. It said that an undercover reporter worked there as a zookeeper for three weeks and today smuggled a live elephant past the so-called security checks. Once inside the Palace of Westminster, the reporter removed the elephant from the bag in which he had been carrying it and led it into central lobby, where it promptly urinated without anyone noticing.
Most shockingly, the alleged newspaper said, only yesterday the reporter had stood next to Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott. Security experts say that he could have been just seconds away from getting his trousers wet.
A spokesman for the Palace authorities was unable to tell our correspondent why they had been employing a zookeeper for the last three weeks, without checking his references and without checking whether, in fact, the Palace actually has a zoo to keep. DeadBrain's sources indicate that it almost certainly does not.
Meanwhile, not to be outdone, other alleged newspapers have tonight come forward to publicise their own stunts at the hub of British democracy. The Daily Mirror said that for the last month it had been holding a five-aside sharp-shooting contest in one of the committee rooms, while the Star insists that it turned one MP's office into a brothel for a period of two weeks. Reports that the Daily Mail held a small circus in Westminster Hall have been dismissed following an apology by a group of Conservative MPs.
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Look at this, moron.
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