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Howard backs Tory strategy of losing by-elections

3 Oct 2004

The Conservative leader at the time of writing, Michael Howard, today publicly backed his party's strategy of losing by-elections. Speaking on the BBC's new children's political programme, Breakfast with Frosties, Mr Howard gave Sir Tony the Tiger a quick history lesson. "In the early 1990s, around four years before Labour won a landslide victory, they lost two by-elections by enormous margins," he said. "Today, less than a year before an election, we are achieving the worst results we have ever had."

"We are not only on the right path, but we are performing even worse at by-elections than Labour were," he added. "The progress we are making is clear for all to see."

Responding to Sir Tony the Tiger's incisive assertion that "that's really grrrrreeeat, but Labour had a change of leader before they won the general election", Mr Howard coughed loudly and said he had to leave for Bournemouth.

Meanwhile, UKIP's leader-in-waiting, Robert Kilroy Silk, has accused Mr Howard of stealing his clothes. Talking excitedly from behind a podium in the school gymnasium in which the party is holding its annual conference, the heavily-tanned former chat show host demanded to know what had happened to "fifteen pairs of white boxer shorts with hearts on and two pairs of brown chinos" that had apparently been stolen from his villa in Spain.

Reports that Michael Howard has had a sun bed installed in the Conservative Party's office above Starbucks were strenuously denied by a sunburnt official.

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