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US to invade Greenland to remove threat from lack of WMD
7 Oct 2004 by Malcolm DruryDeadBrain has learned that US President "Boy" George W. Bush, supported by Vice President Dick "Head" Cheney, has ordered his Secretary of Offence, Donald "Dr Strangelove" Rumsfeld, to prepare an armed invasion of Greenland, citing the complete lack of indications of weapons of mass destruction there.
This unprecedented action follows on the heels of Mr Cheney's assessment of a report released yesterday that showed failed dictator Saddam Hussein™ did not have the weapons of mass destruction that the Bush-Cheney-Rumsfeld troika used as a pretext for invading Iraq.
Mr Cheney said today that the report by the chief US weapons inspector in Iraq, Charles Duelfer, which said there was no evidence that Iraq produced weapons of mass destruction after 1991, justifies Mr Bush's decision to go to war. The report shows that "delay, defer, wasn't an option," Mr Cheney said, explaining that the evil dictator wanted WMDs and that was good enough reason for taking him out of circulation.
Upon hearing this Mr Bush apparently asked for a list of all countries in which there is no evidence of weapons of mass destruction and for a reason best known to himself settled on Greenland. He apparently became very agitated, telling anyone who would listen, including his cat, that the "Greenlandishers represent a clear and present danger to the Yanide States O' Merica." A White House insider, speaking on condition of anonymity, said that when asked to explain, the president seemed more confused than usual but suggested that "they must be up to something" and cited the Bush Doctrine as the reason to stop them doing whatever that is.
The insider denied that Greenland had been selected as somewhere where Mr Bush could safely "kick ass" to show his toughness before the possible US election, which might be held in November, barring unforeseen circumstances.
Greenland can, however, take some comfort in the fact that Mr Bush was observed to be looking at a map of the African continent in an attempt to find it.
In related news, it is understood that Mr Duelfer is to be rewarded for his work with a long holiday, "somewhere in Cuba". DeadBrain has been unable to substantiate this.
Hutton to inquire into failure of inquiry into Hutton Inquiry leak
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14 July 2004Newspapers "hoaxed" by 45-minute claim
15 May 2004Blair orders declassification of WMD briefing document
12 Apr 2004