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Dubya's Week: Hair and teeth

Verbatim highlights of the daily journal of George W. Bush for the week of October 3 to October 9, 2004. The president faces his opponent in the second debate. But will it all boil down to which of them has the better teeth? Will Saddam ever stop biting? And will our man ever meet the mysterious singing stranger? Stay with us: who knows, we might find out. Stranger things have happened.

Click to see Dubya's journal

Sunday 3 October

Finally figgered out where them voices was coming from, it was that thing they put in my ear when I was practissing for the debate last Sunday, I forgot to take it out. Laura found it while she was cleaning my ears when I had my bath. Boy, it's good to be back to normal, although I was ackcherly beginning to like that guy Barney who talked to me a lot, he sounded a bit wierd but he kept singing a reel nice song about how he loved me and we're a happy family and he was sending me a great big hug. What a nice guy, I'd reelly like to meet him.

That Kerry woman sure has a cheek, she came round and said was it OK to measure for curtens, she said her husband had won the debate last week and new poles say he's ahead of me now so she might as well get started. I said yeah, well we still ackcherly have to have an election, anything could happen between now and November. She said what do you mean by that and I said wouldn't you like to know. Hah, that put her in her place. Anyway we didn't let her in and she stormed off saying well that cowboy wallpaper in your bedroom will be the first thing to come off when we move in.

That just shows how much she knows, we took that off a long time ago, it's spacemen wallpaper now.

Monday 4 October

Bad day today, seems Donny's been saying he's seen no evidence linking Al Kayda with Saddam Hussein and then that Bremmer guy we put in charge of Iraq for a while said we never had enough troops there. Sheesh, do they want Kerry to win. So I phoned them both and said how would you like a free holiday at Gwanmanato Bay, just say stuff like that again and it's yours. Bremmer didn't say anything but Donny said I didn't say anything rong, peeple just misunderterpreted me. So I said OK, I've got it right in front of me, how can "to my knowledge, I have not seen any strong, hard evidence that links the two" be misunderterpreted, and he just kinda spluttered for a while then said sorry I've just remembered something reel urgent, I gotta go. I said OK, well I gotta go too, gonna talk to Condi if you take my meaning, and he did his coff thing and then his scream, the loud one not the quiet one, and hung up.

Toosday 5 October

In Pennsillvanya again to give a speech, I said there'll be good days and bad days in the war on terror. Was gonna add and we hope we'll soon see the good ones but figgered I'd better not, somebody's likely to misunderterpret that too, can't trust anybody these days.

Stayed up late to watch Cheney in his debate, boy that Edwards is just like Kerry, all hair and teeth. I got good hair and teeth too but you don't see me flashing them around like they do. Got to thinking though, maybe Cheney should wear a wig, I still think he looks like that Dr Evil guy, speshally when he takes his glasses off, that might put peeple off. I gess his teeth are OK, not sure if they're reel though.

Wensday 6 October

Dissided it's a grate idea for Cheney to wear a wig, make him look more younger and virral, like me, so I sent he security guys to Wal-Mart to buy one and they came back with a nice black curly one. Maybe I shoulda got them to pick up some denchers for him while they were there, the one size fits all ones were on sale. Anyway, I phoned him and said come on over Dick I've got a present for you. He came over and when he saw it he said what is it, it looks like a cat that's been elektracuted, and I said no it's your new hair. He said what and I said I want you to look more younger and virral and he said something, didn't quite catch it, something about where I could put it and the sun not shining, well I knew that, it was raining all day, does he think I'm stupid.

Big problem later on, that guy Doofus or whatever [Charles Duelfer - Ed.] we sent to find Saddam's dubya em dees says there weren't any. So I phoned Donny and said what's going on, what did we pay that guy for. Boy first it was Donny and that Bremmer guy on Monday, now this Doofus, maybe it's a conspirassy, I'm beginning to think they're all being paid by Kerry, or maybe the Kerry woman, maybe we shoulda let her in on Sunday.

Thersday 7 October

Didn't sleep too good, dreamt Dr Evil was chasing me and he had a giant black cat and it was reel evil and trying to elektracute me. Woke up shouting and our cat Saddam was on the bed but I didn't quite have all my senses back and when the security guys came in I said the cat's trying to elektracute me, get it off. When they stopped laffing one said no way, we're not going near that thing, its vishus, it bites. I said it's your fault it does, it's been like that ever since you shot it. Reelly must remember to ask Ashcroft where he gets these guys, I keep saying that but I always forget.

Friday 8 October

Spent most of the day practissing for the debate. I said I bet Kerry starts flashing his teeth again, how about when I go on I be a flasher as well. Everybody started laffing, no idea why, I think they're all just getting wierder and wierder. Anyway I think I did OK, managed to say all the things they told me to say, like we're not gonna have a draft, period. I said the all-volunteer army works. Figgered it was best not to menshun Donny's secrit continjannsy plan to make it reelly volunteer, like stop paying them. Was hoping that Barney guy would be there but I don't think he was, I'm kinda missing him, can't get his song out of my brane.

Saterday 9 October

Day off.

Donny phoned, he said I hear you've got two tickets for the football game, are you gonna take me like you userly do, and I said no way, you shouldn'ta shot your mouth off about Al Kayda and Saddam and you shouldn'ta let that Doofus guy say what he did, I'm taking Condi, gotta talk to her about something reel important, and he just said the Cheney word and hung up in a huff.

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