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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · Ann Widdecombe |
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| You are drifting somewhere near: Home > News | 18th March |
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Official Opening of Scottish Parliament to precede Official Damp Proof Coursing11 Oct 2004 by Russus
Parliament organisers have at the last minute revealed how this weekend's official opening of Scottish Parliament was only a precursor to another official ceremony, the Official Damp Proof Coursing.The official installation, commissioned by A. W. Sykes and Sons and supported by both the Health and Safety At Work Act and the Buildings Standards Regulations Act, will last approximately three weeks. Skirting boards are to be ceremoniously raised to allow the passing of a plaster ripper, while holes specially drilled for the occasion will work in tandem with plugs of potassium methyl siliconate to end the ceremony. Decorative carpets will then be rolled back as reapplied plaster takes its long awaited place upon the wall. Unfortunately, by request of Mr Sykes, this second ceremony will no longer feature a horse parade. Instead a flat bed truck will slowly follow the traditional path of the ancient feudal courts, which coincidentally runs from Regency Timber Wholesalers, along the royal mile before parking on the closest bit of lawn outside parliament. The coursing will come with a 20-year guarantee, and is one of the most thorough methods of preventing rising damp, assured builders. This weekend's ceremony was enjoyed by all who attended despite some complaints that the Queen's speech was inaudible over the hammering of a masonry drill. A small scene was made when the Queen asked that the work could stop while the ceremony was in progress. The site gaffer replied tartly that they were already three years late and that she couldn't have it both ways. He then shocked the assembled crowd when he casually added, "Any chance of another cuppa love?" The rest of the ceremony passed without incident, and the guests left with the Royal National Scottish Orchestra playing from a specially created orchestra pit, while Mousse T (feat. Emma Lanford) played from an ALBA travel radio up 10 feet of scaffolding. Mr Sykes, who finally appeared on site for the closing ceremony after repeated phone calls from parliament officials, initially asserted that the Official Damp Proof Coursing was the remaining ceremony to be performed, before adding, "You have had your interior supporting walls checked haven't you?"
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