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Conservative Party apologises for Boris Johnson

17 Oct 2004

The Conservative Party has apologised unreservedly for Boris Johnson. Earlier this week, the spoof MP for Henley – or possibly his secretary, or maybe someone else –made offensive remarks about the city of Liverpool in an editorial in the Beano, the comic which he "sort of edits, sometimes". Now, following "a kick in the pants" from the party's current interim leader, Mr Johnson has been dispatched to Liverpool to make amends. This, say critics in Liverpool, is a step too far.

Douglas Ramsbottom, spokesman for the newly-formed Boris Johnson Family Support Group (Liverpool Branch), said that he had been inundated with hundreds of people fortunate enough to have no connection to Mr Johnson who had been "in floods of tears, really upset". "I haven't had time to read Boris Johnson's article yet, I've been so busy dealing with distressed people," he confessed, adding that he thought it had contained the words "Spectator", "wallowing", "grief" and "hubcaps". "However, I do condemn it utterly and I know that there are a lot of very hurt people here."

Mr Johnson is set to visit the city next week following an order from Michael Howard. "That's just adding insult to injury," said Gregory T Mullet, Professor of Boris Johnson Studies at Liverpool University. "His trading off the distress that he has caused us is just the sort of thing that this city can do without."

Plans by Tory PR supremo Lord Saatchi to have Mr Johnson placed in a metal cage in the centre of Liverpool for him to "better re-engage with the electorate" have been hastily shelved after a schoolboy on work experience noticed that they were "a load of utterly tasteless tosh".

An apology for Mr Johnson's forthcoming visit to Liverpool has already been drafted.

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