Dubya's Week: The President has ambrosia

Sunday 7 November

Busy at Camp David doing strattegy session with Condi. She wasn't wearing her lether Catwoman suit though. Probbly just as well, can't consenntrate when she has it on. Laura was in a bad mood for some reason, she kept glaring at Condi and when I asked her to make us some sandwitches she just said make them your Cheney word self or better still get your little frend to make them. She's not usually a potty mouth, she musta been hanging around Dick too much.

Monday 8 November

Back in Washington. Somebody had broken into the safe in the oval offis where I keep my secrit choclit, so I called the security guys in. One of them looked reel suspishus, he was wiping his mouth with his sleeve and I'm pretty sure he had choclit breth. I said do you know anything about this and he said what, so I said about my secrit choclit. He said well of course not, it stands to reason, if we knew about it it wouldn't be secrit, would it. Had to think about that for a while to see if it made sens then I said I gess your right, can't argue with that logic.

Toosday 9 November

Had an accident this morning, I tripped as leaving the dining room after breakfast and banged my head quite hard on the door frame. Fortunately, there does not appear to be any lasting effect other than a slight headache.

After lunch I called a special Cabinet meeting to outline and clarify my intentions for the next four years so that there should be no misunderstanding. I said I have a clear mandate from God and the American people to effect profound and lasting change and bring this great land of ours back onto the paths of morality and fiscal responsibility, and I intend to pursue it relentlessly. It had rather a strange effect - everyone just sat staring at me open-mouthed, until finally, after a long pause, Rumsfeld asked me if everything was alright. Most strange - indeed, inexplicable, unless it was, perhaps, some manifestation of stress following the intensity of the election campaign.

Wensday 10 November

Had an accident this morning, I was going down the stairs and Saddam bit my ankle and I fell and landed on my head. Boy it reelly smarted, my head, not the ankle, well that smarted too. When I got my senses back I said what did you do that for you stupid cat but he just bit the other ankle.

After brekfast Donny phoned, he said he was conserned about how I was behaving yesterday. I said what are you talking about, yesterday's a big blank, I think I might have ambrosia, but I'm not sure, I can't remember anything except brekfast, one of the security guys tried to steal my sossidges, had to stab him with my fork. He said well don't worry, I can see your back to normal. I said what do you mean, your not making any sens, I'm always normal, I can't think of anybody more normal than me, I think you must be losing it. Sheesh, maybe it's time to dump him. Then he just kinda wisspered I don't think I can stand four more years. But I heard him and I said well that's OK, you probbly won't have to, I'm thinking of dumping you. Then he said good, you do that, so I said OK I will, so he said OK then, so I said OK then, so he said OK then back, so I said double OK then back and no returns and hung up. Boy, sometimes he can be reel childish.

Later on Ashcroft phoned and said had I read his letter yesterday. I said what letter, yesterday is a blank, and he said the one that said he was resining. I said no, what was it about. Thought he musta fainted or died or something, he was reel quiet for a long time, then he said well it said I'm resining, I wondered if it was the right decision but now I'm sure. So I said OK, thanks for all your help, just leave the key with the commishunair, oh and let me have a list of all your secrit detenshun places.

Thersday 11 November

Saw on Fox news that that head guy in Palestonia is dead. When Terry Blair came he said I gess that means now we can get on with our Middle East road map inishative. I said well I'm not sure where the road map is, I think one of the security guys used it to line his budgie's cage, anyway, no problem, I'll send him to Wal-Mart to buy another. Terry just stood there blinking and shaking his head and wisspering four more years, except it sounded like only four more years. I gess he was jet lagged.

Friday 12 November

Had a meeting with Terry to give him his instructions. I said I'm thinking of changing my Cabinet but told him he's OK, I'm reel pleased with the job he's done for me over there in the U of K, I won't be firing him. I said I considder him the second best and smartest leader in the world after me. He said oh, thanks so much, it's such a grate honner to work for the gratest president the US of A had ever had, you can't begin to gess how much that means to me, I'm reel grateful, that hasn't just made my day, it's made my year, how can I ever thank you enough. Sheesh, he was almost emmbbaressing me, but he's probbly the most sinseer guy I know.

Saterday 13 November

Day off.

Laura said did you ever finish cleaning out the attic after you'd played with your bow and arrow set and I said yes, so she said so if I go up there I won't get a surprise, so I said sorry, I mean no, I just suddenly remembered I didn't finish it. So she just said off you go then. Boy she can be reel bossy, and she's not even president. Anyway I figgered I'd better do as she said, she's still going on about Condi, but when I got up there I found my old roller skates so I took them down and phoned Donny and said come on over, I have a surprise for you. He sounded reel suspishus, he said yeah, you had a surprise for me last week and it was giving that pscychotich cat a bath. I said no, this is a good one, so he said well OK.

Anyway when he came I said look, roller skates for both of us, let's go for a skate round the grounds. He said OK, just be careful. Anyway we got going but I accidently forgot to fasten the straps on mine and as we was going down a bit of a slope I fell off and knocked him off course and he went straight into a holly bush, then after he'd said the Cheney word a few times he went home in a huff.