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Pope is Catholic, admit Sinn Fein
In a dramatic announcement made through their official newspaper, An Phoblact (Republican News), Sinn Fein have admitted that Pope John Paul II is in fact a Roman Catholic.
The news that the political wing of the Provisional IRA is willing to accept that the Pontiff is indeed a member of the Denomination that believes he was selected by God as their infallible spiritual leader follows the announcement yesterday that they now concede that the 1974 Birmingham pub bombings and 'Bloody Friday' in 1972 "were wrong".
Having spent 20 years deliberating whether or not it was morally repugnant to murder 30 people, injure another 182, and stand silently by as six innocent men spent over a decade and a half rotting in jail for a crime they did not commit, the decision to accept the Pope as Catholic is believed to have proved relatively straightforward.
A further statement in tomorrow's edition of the paper is expected to confirm that the party is willing to concede that rain may be wet and that bears do indeed defecate in wooded areas.
The announcement of regret over the Birmingham deaths is the latest in a series of apologies from the party: last month they expressed regret over the killing of 15-year-old Bernard Tegget in 1973, and an apology in 2002 to the civilian victims of IRA actions was followed last year by contrition for 9 people "disappeared" during the 1970s.
The families of the dead are expected to be cheered by the news that the people responsible for their bereavement are now really ever so sorry for their actions, especially since the Good Friday Agreement will mean they are effectively beyond prosecution.
Seasoned observers of the political situation in Northern Ireland were unsure whether Sinn Fein would take this line much further.
"The acid test," said one, "is whether they'll apologise for Gerry Adams' stupid bloody beard."
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Look at this, moron.
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