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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · Menzies Campbell |
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| You feel threatened by: Home > News | 15th March |
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Blunkett: Alien lizards want me gone1 Dec 2004 by Joey Sarajevo
A source close to David Blunkett revealed to DeadBrain last night that he fears a secret cabal serving the whims of the alien Lizard Men controlling human affairs is conspiring to force his resignation as Home Secretary."He's a shrewd man toughened by crippling paranoia, er, I mean decades in politics," revealed the source. "He'd never underestimate the damage these dark forces could do to him." The Home Secretary's fears come in the wake of allegations that he abused his position as Home Secretary to 'fast-track' the visa application of his former mistress's nanny. Should these allegations be proved, he is almost certain to be forced out. Yet Blunkett privately feels the situation is being used against him by political enemies opposed to his power in Cabinet and the new security measures announced in last week's Queen's Speech - political enemies in thrall to secret extra-terrestrial overlords of mankind. "The alien Lizard Men are opposed to the introduction of ID cards, ASBOs, and the war in Iraq," commented one of the Home Secretary's advisors, "all of which are believed by intelligence sources to interfere with their as-yet-unknown purposes for our planet. David knows they want him out." He is now said to spend much of his time at the Home Office sheltering under his desk in a tin-foil hat, attempting to communicate telepathically with his retired guide dog, Lucy, whom he believes is able to "sniff out" those marked by contact with the alien beings. His fears may not be entirely groundless, as DeadBrain has subsequently learned that a Lizard Man attack on London has been foiled by the security services. A senior authoritative source has informed us that they intended to use "a big ray gun of some kind" to melt Nelson's Column, leaving only a misshapen puddle of molten rock. There were no details of when or where the plot was uncovered, by whom, how close the Lizard Men were to success, just how a beam weapon of this kind would actually work in the Earth's atmosphere, or whether there is actually any evidence for the Lizard Men's existence. Downing Street and the Metropolitan Police have also declined to comment on the reports, although a blank-eyed Home Office spokesman had the following to say: "Lizard Men all around. World scary. Fear. Consume. Love and obey Blunkett. Blunkett is saviour." Emergency measures empowering Mr Blunkett to deal with the Lizard Men and other unspecified threats are expected to be rushed through in a hysterical panic shortly.
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