Dubya's Week: Igloos and Spies but not Kim Basinger

Sunday 28 November

Dissided to rite my letter to Santa. I rote Dear Santa, I have been a good president this year, musta been, I got re-electrified, in your face Kerry (but I crossed that bit out), but I gess you know that. Anyway I'd like the following please

1. an astranort suit with the word president on it in big gold letters, prefferably flashing
2. lots of choclit but pleese hide it from the security guys, they'll just take it away from me to test if it's poisenned but I never get it back, just leave a note saying where it is
5. a map of Iranistan so I know how to get there, just in case I ever want to go on vacashun there
7. a dickshanerry that ackcherly has the words in it that I try to look up
6. a dartboard with a picture of Sheerac on it
3. oh and some darts
10. some Tex Ritter see-dees

Toosday 30 November

Reel puzzled today, went to Canadia and figgered there would be lots of igloos but didn't see any at all. When I met Marty Paul, the prime minister, I said it's reel nice to be here, but where are your igloos and he just said eh. At least that's a change from what like most of them forreners say to me. Anyway apart from that we didn't have much trouble communicising, they all speak American pretty good down there, well except for some who talked like Sheerac, no idea who they were or what they were doing there. I bet they was Sheerac's spies. Told the security guys to take them out just in case but I don't think they did, they was all off getting flu shots, the security guys I mean, not Sheerac's spies.

Later on went to some museum for a bankwet. On the way I told Marty I didn't expect to see so many big bildings and roads and things like that, just igloos, and he said well we've had big bildings and roads for a while now and we're hoping to have electrissaty before long, too.

Thersday 2 Dissember

Bit of confusion today, thought the guys had told me Kim Basinger was coming to visit, so had an extra shower and put on some kalone, she's reel foxy. Laura was a bit suspishus, she said what are you up to, had to think fast so I said oh, I was just doing some push ups with Condi in the oval offiss and we both got a bit swetty. Laura said oh, reelly and stood there for a while smiling and nodding her head, thought I was gonna get away with it, but then she just went out without saying anything and slammed the door. Anyway, it turned out it wasn't Kim after all but some guy from Africa [President Obasanjo of Nigeria - Ed.], waste of a shower and kalone reelly. I figgered I'd better be polite so I said well which movies have you been in then but he just said what.

Saw on Fox news that Coffee Annan, the U of N guy, is in trouble. Not quite sure what it's all about, something to do with oil for Saddam's food, I gess it must have been for cooking his fries or maybe for his salad, doesn't reelly make much sens but if it gets Coffee into trouble that's grate, he's as bad as Sheerac.

Friday 3 Dissember

Started to rite out my Chrismass shopping list. Forchernatly I can save some money this year, no need to buy Ashcroft, Powell and Ridge anything, they've all resined. For Laura I figgered a nice lether Catwoman suit like Condi's only maybe white, and lots of assperin. For Terry Blair just a sined photo of me for his desk, I asked him and he said that's all he wanted. What a grate guy. Couldn't think of anything for Cheney, he'll probbly get a reel nice present from Hallyburton anyway. Thought about something for Sheerac - a minicher cruise missle with if you want a reel one up the Eyeful Tower just keep opening your yap painted on it. Thought I might get some spikey heel shoes for Condi to go with her Catwoman suit but gotta be careful not to let Laura know about that, it would be headachesville for sure.

Saterday 4 Dissember

Day off.

Boy I'm reel mad today, Laura was looking at one of the internets, not sure which one, and she found some place called Dead Brane that's been printing my secrit jernal, she read it and now she wants to know what all them reffarenses to Sherry Blair was all about and why I kept going on about her headaches, Laura's I mean, not Sherry's, bet she doesn't gets headaches, must ask Terry.

Anyway I called all the guys in and said OK who's been leeking my secrits. They all started saying not me sir, but Donny went reel red so I said I bet it was you. He said something, didn't think I'd quite caught it, sounded like well what if it was, it serves you right for upsetting me every Saterday you bozo, so I got reel mad and I stormed out. Got as far as the White House gates before I remembered I was the one that was at home so I went back in and said no, you go, I'm gonna have to do some thinking about who should be my secraterry of defens. He said yeah well don't wear your brane out, it's not used to thinking, then he went off in a huff.

Anyway Dead Brane, I'd reelly appreshiate it if you stopped doing this, and while I reckernise the freedom of the press, speshally Fox, they're fair and balanced, I'd like to remind you that we libberated Affgannystan and Iraq and we're probbly gonna libberate Iranistan and it would be reel easy to libberate you, and we still got lots of space at Gatmatmanwo Bay if it's a nice long rest you want.

From the Editor-in-Chief (currently at an undisclosed location)