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Northern Ireland power-sharing talks collapse yet again, again
Hopes for a final peace settlement, an end to paramilitary violence and a return to power-sharing in Northern Ireland collapsed once again earlier today when firebrand Democratic Unionist Party leader Ian Paisley accused Sinn Fein leader Gerry Adams of stealing his bag of toffees.
The two leaders have been tantalisingly close to an agreement ever since US President "Boy" George W. Bush offered to intervene personally last week. Both Rev. Paisley and Mr Adams responded to the offer with a firm "no thanks", citing the chaos that Mr Bush's personal intervention in Iraq has caused. They then agreed to hold talks immediately to fend off any further offers by Mr Bush.
An impasse yesterday over the provision of photographic verification that the IRA destroyed its weaponry was overcome after intensive negotiations when Rev. Paisley agreed to accept an artist's impression rather than actual photographs.
However, at a ceremony set for this morning at which the two leaders were to sign an interim agreement to stop being silly buggers, Rev Paisley unexpectedly walked out shouting "Whurr's mah toffees?" and accusing Mr Adams of having either eaten them or hidden them.
"This just goes to show you can't trust these people," Rev Paisley told reporters. "I just bought them this morning and I'd only eaten one or two. They were my favourites, too."
Mr Adams strongly denied having taken the toffees, claiming that he does not even like them, preferring mints.
"But I ask you," he added, "why would we even want to consider sharing power with somebody who wont even share his toffees?"
A Downing Street spokesman expressed frustration at this latest development. He noted, however, that Prime Ministers Blair and Ahern will still press ahead with their joint proposals for power-sharing, and that Mr Blair will send Rev Paisley a big bag of toffees and a copy of the Beano.
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Look at this, moron.
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