Dubya's Week: The Ghost of Last Thursday

Sunday 5 Dissember

Terry Blair phoned, he said he'd had a grate idea, he wants to have an innernational peace conference on the Middle East in London early next year and would that be OK. I said well sure, but you don't have to ask my permishun for everything, you're my guy in the U of K and I trust you and I'm glad to have you there. Ackherly what I was reelly thinking was it would be a grate oppertunity for me to see Sherry again, haven't seen her in ages and I still dream about her. Didn't tell him that though. Didn't tell Laura either.

Looks like we might hafta do something about that Pakistanian guy Musher Raff, he's been telling peeple we've lost Osama bin Laden. OK, so that's true, but we don't want anybody to know, it was bad enough not finding any dubya em dees in Iraq. Boy, just let Kerry say I told you so, he kept going on in the election campane about how we'd lost Osama, he'll end up minus a few of those show-off teeth if he's not careful, Kerry I mean, not Osama, don't know where his teeth are.

Monday 6 Dissember

King Jordan of Abdullah was here again, I said it's grate to have you back, Jordo, but help me out, I've tried finding Abdullah in My First Atlas, I'd probbly like to visit sometime, but it's not in, so where exackly in Africa is it? He just looked at me and said well it's nice to see you haven't changed since the last time I was here. No idea what he meant by that, of course I haven't changed, well apart from my socks and stuff, I'm the most consisterent guy I know. Sometimes these forreners just don't make any sens.

Toosday 7 Dissember

Boy, I've just about had it with forreners. Pootin said that he can't imajen how the elections could take place in Iraq next Januerry under conditions of total occupation by forren forces. Well what's that supposed to mean, there's no forren forces there, just us and the limeys. Well I gess the limeys are forreners but Terry Blair is my man in the U of K and most of them speak American fairly good, wierd accsents though, so that kinda makes them Americans so they're not reel forreners like for instance the Germaniums or the French or the Spaniels.

Wensday 8 Dissember

Good news today, the Senit has approved my idea for a zarr to make sure I have some intelligence in future, it's been reel emmbarresing sometimes not having any. Donny came round and said I gess this zarr will be reporting to me, you won't want him reporting to that Rice woman when she takes over from Powell, but I said well I'm not sure yet, probbly better to report to Condi, she knows all about national security and she's the smartest person I know apart from me. Donny didn't say anything, he just went red, then white, then red again like he does, then he kicked my desk reel hard, then he hopped out. Boy, I wonder if I did the right thing telling him he could stay on as secraterry of defens.

One of my faverit movies was on TV, A Chrismass Carol. Laura said you shouldn't watch it, you know the gosts scare you. I said I'm the war president and I was in the National Gard, I'm not scared of gosts, and I'm watching it. I did, too. Sometimes I just gotta let her know who's boss.

Thersday 9 Dissember

Didn't sleep too good last night, had a nitemare, a gost came up to me and said I am the gost of last Thersday, but it was reelly Coffee Annan, the U of N guy. I said what's so speshal about last Thersday and it said that was the day you was going on about how grate it was that I'm in trouble about Saddam's oil for his food. I said how do you know about that and it said I'm a gost, I know everything, and now I'm gonna tie you up and give you to Al Kayda. Notissed the security guys didn't bother to come in to see what was rong, they say they're too scared of Saddam, the cat I mean, not the guy I capchered, but I think it's just an excuse.

Friday 10 Dissember

It's just not fair, the Norwanians haven't awarded me the Nobell Peace Prize again, seems some African woman Kangaroo Matty or something [Wangari Maathai - Ed.] has won it, sounds more Ostralian to me, must remember to ask Arny Shwortsnegger if he knows her. Boy, all she's done is plant some trees, what's so grate about that, I've planted trees at the ranch to replace the ones I've accidentally set fire to when I've been barbeykewing, but I don't expect a prize for that. Sheesh, I've capchered Saddam and libberated Iraq, I think that's a bit more important for world peace than planting a few trees. Anyway, phoned Donny and said just tell then Norwanians that we've got a few spare cruise missles we could send to prove I'm a peace loving guy, and if they don't think I am, we could take Copenhagen out reel quick, no problem. He just said the usual thing, that wouldn't be appropriet. Sometimes I think he's as soft as Powell.

Saterday 11 Dissember

Day off.

Phoned Donny and said come on over and we'll go Chrismass shopping at the mall. He said no way, the last time we went there you forgot where you'd parked the car. I said don't worry, I have a grate idea for how to remember where it is so he said well OK, I'll be right over. When we got to the mall he said OK, what's your grate idea so I said well I've got a balloon, gonna tie it to the car so we can reckernise it reel easy. I said you go ahead and get some hot dogs and I'll tie the balloon to the car and catch you up. So we did that and after we et the hot dogs we did some shopping. I couldn't find a white lether Catwoman suit for Laura, looked in all the pet shops, so I got her a set of screwdrivers instead. Anyway, when we'd finished we went out and Donny said OK, where's the car, I don't see the balloon, so I said well of course not bozo, it's windy, I didn't want it to blow away so I tied it to the inside of the car.

Then he just did his reel quiet screem thing and pulled out some of what's left of his hair and said I shoulda known, then he shouted the Cheney word lots of times, then he got in a taxi and went off in a huff.