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Newspapers launch crackdown on attractive drunk women
18 Dec 2004
Newspaper editors have launched a crackdown on attractive drunk women following last night's introduction of new police powers to prevent binge drinking. From today, a strict quota will ensure that a succession of stories about the dangerous excesses of modern youth are accompanied by at least two pictures of groups of good-looking women who have had too much to drink.
"For too long ordinary, decent people have suffered from a lack of photos of drunken-yet-desirable women in their newspapers," said a spokesman for the Express. "From today we will send photographers out with police patrols in case anything titillating happens."
"Anything particularly hot will be kept back for one of Mr Desmond's television channels," he added.
Meanwhile, the new guidelines to Daily Mail picture editors are as follows:
- Keep the number of men shown down. We know men drink too, but it's far more dangerous if women drink too much. Apart from anything, they might not be able to cook the following day.
- Attractive women only please, we don't want to put the readers off their breakfasts.
- Choose pictures with cleavage wherever possible. Bending over ones are good, it looks like they're being sick.
- Women snogging or about to snog are great.
- Don't use ones of asylum seekers – keep them back for the drug addict stories.
- Naked breasts may only be shown a maximum of twice per week, and only in exceptional circumstances – i.e. she's very fit. Remember some of our readers have pacemakers.
- No up-skirt shots please, this is a family newspaper.
- If anything gets published from the staff Christmas party, you're fired.
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Oi, down here!
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