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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · Ann Widdecombe |
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| You are drifting somewhere near: Home > News | 11th February |
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Santa rocked by naughty list scandal24 Dec 2004 by Ben Langley
Christmas preparations came to a standstill today as parents were rocked by news of a fresh naughty and good list scandal. It has been alleged by a former elf employee at Santa's Lapland workshop that certain naughty individuals have had their appeals fast-tracked, and have been moved onto the good list without undergoing full checks.The bad blood between parents and Father Christmas is at an all time high after last week's revelations that his list is no longer checked twice after further penny-pinching cut-backs, and this news is sure to make it worse. Douglas Ramsbottom, a father of three from Bracknell, was seething. "Last year little Timmy was remarkably good. All he asked for was a mobile phone. Santa left a bloody huge great mobile home outside. He's had to pay council tax and all sorts," he complained. "It wouldn't have happened if the list had been checked properly. Now they're letting all sorts in, taking the toys that my boys rightfully deserve, it's a disgrace, but he's got the monopoly on Christmas, it's not like we can turn to anyone else." It is feared that the animosity could lead to nastiness during tonight's present deliveries. Santa has had to employ a number of bodyguards to accompany him on his sleigh, and will be sending them down chimneys to sweep the area for security risks and taste mince pies for traces of arsenic. As a further security measure children are being given a thorough search before being allowed to visit Santa in grottoes across the country. Whilst this may seem extreme, it has been reported that a number of sharpened candy-canes have been confiscated. News of this latest naughty list scandal came from a former elf employee, who has asked to remain nameless for his own safety. He claims that he was asked to remove some high-profile names from the naughty list, despite clear evidence of wrongdoing throughout the year. When asked if Prince Harry was on the list he refused to confirm, but did say, "Just you wait to see what's in his stocking, then answer for yourself." Certain sections of the public are calling for Santa Claus to resign, claiming that in the light of these allegations his position is no longer tenable. "It's disgusting," said Douglas Ramsbottom, a mother of six from Inverness. "Naughty is naughty, and flinging money at it shouldn't get you on Santa's side. Santa should be above such things". It is highly unlikely, however, that Santa will resign at this moment in time, as experts say that there is no one in place to take control of the reindeer and deliver presents in time for Christmas Day. Parents of borderline good children are said to be considerably worried about the effect this could have on their offspring. It has been suggested that the good list has limited spaces, and fast-tracking naughty children on to the good list could shift their own to the bad. "I know Tara pushed her friend in a muddy puddle the other week," said Mavis T Mullet of her child, "but she's done some good stuff, and I don't think it's fair if she gets left off the list. I mean, I don't want to have to buy her presents myself, do I?" A spokesperson for Father Christmas said that he was unavailable for comment at this time, but he would be appointing a retired elf to clear him of all charges in due course.
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