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| You are slobbering over: Home > News | 21st March |
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The DeadBrain Review of the Year 200428 Dec 2004 by Paul Davies
Another year over, so what have we done? It's been a year of wars – on terror, on fun and, most disastrously of all, on Boris. Much has happened, sometimes entertaining, sometimes not, sometimes about Boris.Given that actual events tend to take time off from happening amid the tinsel and bad jumpers, it seems appropriate at this point to simply rehash old news. So here we go: NewsIt's all about Iraq. Again. After showcasing all the cool weapons that American scientists have been developing since the last Iraq war and the complete inability to find any Iraqi equivalents, it all got a bit boring. Saddam was found hiding in a hole and sporting a rather fashionable Osama-like beard, Lord Hutton declared that of course Tony hadn't misled the public over the war, although he had been ever-so-slightly cheeky, but it was all a big misunderstanding and there's nothing more to see here.Once Saddam was toppled and Tony wasn't, the War on Iraq cleverly metamorphosed into the War on Terror, based in Iraq. It all went a bit haphazard after that. Soldiers on both sides died, hostages were taken and beheaded, cities wallowed in their victim status (allegedly) and Boris got in trouble over Bigley. Despite escaping the 'victim status' fiasco amid a series of flustered apologies, the inimitable Mr Johnson later lost his frontbench status on account of a couple of lies and a jealous party leader. The nation mourned. Boris went jogging. Later on in the year, popular authoritarian Home Secretary David Blunkett resigned to spend more time with someone else's family after doing some illegal favours for his ex-lover's nanny and pissing off his cabinet colleagues by slating them all in Stephen Pollard's biography of the belligerent blind man. EuropeEurope enlarged in May to encompass 10 new members from Central and Eastern Europe. They're all a bit poorer, a bit more backward, a bit more unstable and have dodgier roads than the incumbent members really wanted, but a sense of political obligation overwhelmed the continent, and besides, they let Wales in.While the new super-Union struggled along refusing to reform it's antiquated financial framework lest it annoy the French farmers too much, Turkey got interested. Publicly at least, the EU diplomats like the idea of a Turkey-inclusive Europe, so long as it never actually happens. Turkey's size, poverty and Islamic tendencies are simply too unpalatable for an EU that has already more than done its bit for charity for the next decade. AmericaOn the other side of the pond, the morons in middle America got needlessly frightened into re-electing Bush. Yawn. Full coverage on DeadBrain USWorldAmerica may have been lacking in excitement this year, but Vladimir Putin did his best to keep the world entertained.One part Andrew Marr, one part Gollem, one part Bond villain, with a sprinkling of traditional Russian psychosis, Putin is making Eurasia appealing again. This has all been stimulated by some rather sad events. Chechen rebels continued to terrorise Russia by killing legions of people, most notably during the Beslan school disaster. Thanks to this very-2004-climate-of-fear and the virtual monopolistic control over the media Putin enjoys stellar approval ratings. This has enabled him to embark upon a war against the oligarchs, which intends to reassert the State's power over the people. The ex-KGB man's grandiose plans took a hit when his chum Victor Yanukovich was found to have cheated his way to Ukrainian election glory, with a re-run ordered which opposition candidate Victor Yuschenko has won until the next one. Sport2004 will be remembered as the year England became good at cricket again. Playing test matches against below par West Indies and New Zealand sides allowed England, and Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff in particular, to flourish. In the World Cup, England reached the final, and at one stage were 100-1 on to win the tournament. Sadly, an utter inability to take the last two West Indian wickets meant the trophy eluded the game's inventors once again. Being the team that stuffed the Aussies in the semis, however, ensured the highest of moral victories.After a trivial one day series against a team of jokers collectively known as Zimbabwe, Michael Vaughan's men outclassed the South Africans in the first test of the Christmas series. Normal service is likely to be resumed early in the New Year when the team are scheduled to lose the ashes to Australia again, but at least we're the best of the rest. In football, the former best team in the world, Real Madrid, bought English and didn't win a thing. Meanwhile, Roman Abramovich bankrolled Chelsea to the brink of greatness, but he hasn't yet bought any Brazilians, so Ronaldinho-inspired Barcelona remain the best in the business. Internationally speaking, 18-year old scouse sensation Wayne Rooney was the star of Euro 2004, before scoring an own goal by shagging a 135-year-old prostitute. England maintained their big tournament record by crashing out in controversial circumstances while Greece shocked everyone and won, albeit by playing exceptionally boring football. They did however make Cristiano Ronaldo cry, so we can't begrudge them too much. Also crying his eyes out this year was British Olympic stalwart and all-round charming chap, Matthew Pinsent. The rower, along with double-champ Kelly Holmes, were the heroes of the Athens games. MusicJohn Peel died. Pete Waterman did not. Tragic, unjust and monumentally disappointing.To compound the misery, audiences were subjected to child-devils McFly and a never-ending production line of angry young rappers with gratuitously ghastly grammar encouraging city centres full of kappa-clad chav scum. Janet Jackson made a tit of herself at the Superbowl, Pete Doherty made a tit out of himself on a daily basis and sad lonely young men all over the country made Keane, Embrace and Snow Patrol records leap off the shelves. To round the year off in typically atrocious style, a bunch of hip young pop stars mangled an already appalling song, all in the name of charity. Band Aid 20 was universally declared to be crap, with many radio stations removing it from their playlists. It sold shitloads, obviously. If only the charity element had been extended to the nation's ear-drums.
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