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| You just spat on: Home > News | 20th March |
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DeadBrain's predictions for 200531 Dec 2004 by Paul Davies
New Year's Day. You wake up hungover; having already broken every resolution you foolishly made for yourself the night before; and cursing yourself for pulling a monster. From Wales.It's all tragically repetitive. One could, therefore, be forgiven for wondering what, if anything, is going to make 2005 that little bit less excruciating. Thanks to the wonderful percipient powers of Stella Artois, one is offered a rare insight into the year to come. BritainBritish politics is set to go a little crazy in 2005.Aware that the greatest achievements of his seven years in charge have sprouted from delegating decisions to other people (Bank of England, devolution), Blair becomes acutely aware that he needs to do something major to be remembered as more than just Thatcher-lite. With this in mind, he covertly siphons off the billions of pounds his brusque Scotch colleague Mr Brown worked so hard collecting into simultaneous searches for the Holy Grail and an alchemical elixir. Believing John Cleese to actually be the top MI6 scientist, Tony entrusts him with the cash. The comedy messiah gladly relieves Blair of his billions, subsequently usurping power and establishing the benevolently authoritarian Order of the Python. Boris Johnson is appointed Chief Lumberjack. Blair walks off the scene despondently, but in a commendably silly manner. AmericaMeanwhile, in America MC Bush tackles the always-tricky second album. With war at a mundane stage, he takes time out to learn to read. After becoming literate, at least to American standards, Dubya then takes up Geography.The shock of discovering the world outside the states is all a bit much for the trigger-happy Texan to take in. He duly goes nuts. In a strange twist, however, losing his mind is the best thing that ever happened to both Bush and his nation. George W. ushers in a new era of prosperity and harmony and goes down in history as America's best ever president. Arnie continues to battle to change the constitution in order to allow him to become president. However, the history of Austrian imports coming in to run things is against him and the 'Arnie Amendment' is sadly shelved. Another prospective 2008 president, Hillary Clinton has more luck. Seeing what her husband's affair did for his popularity, Hillary has an illicit encounter with Charlton Heston, thus raising her stock and winning over the intellectually-challenged, gun-toting, twinkie-munching buffoons of middle America. Her passage back to the White House is all but secured. WorldEfforts to eradicate world poverty are redoubled. In a groundbreaking meeting, the world leaders decide anything to stop another god-awful Band Aid record has to be worth trying.In the developed world, homelessness becomes a thing of the past, treated by adherence to the words of Terry Pratchett: "Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for the night. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life." The big news of 2005 concerns everybody's favourite world leaders: the crazy dictators. Lured into a special 'Big Brother Bunker', just off the Thames, Belarus' Victor Lukashenka, Osama Bin Laden, Kim Jong Il of North Korea, Saddam Hussein, Togo's President Eyadéma, Vladimir Putin and self-proclaimed 'father of all Turkmen' Saparmurat Niyazov are left in a garishly furnished room with nothing but Pot Noodles to eat. Last man standing wins control of the political underworld. A nation is transfixed as Kim Jong Il is chucked out for sneaking in chemical weapons. He is replaced by David Blunkett, who goes on to triumph; establishing the Kingdom of Sadie, named after his faithful barking companion. His path to a political comeback is assured following a further affair with Jade Goody that arouses the nation's sympathy.
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