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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · David Blunkett |
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| You just fell over: Home > News | 4th December |
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 Tories to introduce quotas for global human suffering24 Jan 2005 by Joey Sarajevo
Conservative leader Michael Howard unveiled a central plank of his party's election strategy yesterday when he outlined plans to limit the number of people seeking asylum in the UK by setting quotas for the amount of famine, war and pestilence to be considered acceptable under a Conservative government.Speaking at a press conference arranged for shortly after the fall of darkness, Mr Howard - resplendent in full evening dress and a cape lined with red velvet - announced that the his administration would, if elected, take drastic action to curb the influx of dirty foreigners whose only motivation to escape a life of poverty and oppression are the cushy benefits offered to them by the British state. Under the quota system the UK would withdraw from the 1951 convention on refugees, which obliged member states to offer asylum to persons with "a well-founded fear of being persecuted for reasons of race, religion, nationality, membership of a particular social group or political opinion". Instead, persons would only be admitted if it could be shown that they have "a well-founded fear of being persecuted that was likely to be drawn attention to in the mass media, in a country whose tyrannous rulers were not having arms or torture equipment bought for them with British taxpayers' money under the Export Credit Guarantee system". Quotas would then be established to see just how much human misery the British public would put up with before the bovine alcoholic morons started bitching about 'compassion fatigue' and turning off the news to watch the latest series of Celebrity Big Brother. At this point any further refugees would be refused entry on the grounds that the electorate were too callous and lazy to actually care what happened to them. Tory spokesmen denied that the plans were racially motivated, or in any way a cynical and rather obvious attempt to win back the so-called 'Littlejohn Vote' of impotent drooling xenophobes from the UK Independence Party. They claimed that party activists had been researching different alternatives in immigration policy for several months and only adopted the quota system after Mr Howard refused to douse himself in fake tan and present an exploitative mid-morning chat show. A Labour Party spokesman was quick to denounce the Conservative plans: "This is an appalling attempt to appeal to the worst and basest instincts of the British public," he said. "That was David's job." Related Articles Kilroy quits to form own party in new country 19 Jan 2005
Kilroy-Silk and Howard to unite, form Back and Forth Party17 Jan 2005
Howard backs plan for Conservative ID card14 Dec 2004
Boris Johnson sacked for failing to properly declare affair17 Nov 2004
Tories arguing again at last1 Nov 2004
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