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Exclusive: Blunkett to join Tories
David Blunkett, the former Home Secretary, is to leave New, Improved Labour ("whitewashes twice as white") and join the Tories, DeadBrain can reveal. Mr Blunkett was forced to resign last December following allegations that he used his position to speed up a visa application for his friend's nanny. He has been considering his future in politics ever since.
Mr Blunkett made his decision after the current interim leader of the Conservative Party, Michael Howard, announced the Tories' new policy on crime. Under it, the early release scheme for prisoners would be abolished, more prisons would be built, and there would be a significant increase in the number and type of offences for which on-the-spot fines would be levied. For example, it would become illegal to make fun of the Royal Family (with the exception of Prince Andrew), people who went to public schools, members of the House of Lords, or any other similarly disadvantaged groups.
"Those are all the things I was trying to introduce, and a few others, like trial by ordeal, public floggings and putting stocks back in town centres," Mr Blunkett told our reporter, "but Blair wouldn't let me."
Mr Blunkett said that he was almost persuaded to stay with New, Improved Labour after hearing of the plans of his successor, Charles Clarke, to deal with asylum-seekers and immigrants, but decided on balance that as those plans were "clearly just a watered-down version of Michael Howard's" it was time to make a move.
"So I decided that the Conservative Party is the place for me," he said. "Michael told me he will keep me in mind for Home Secretary after he wins the election. He said he was very impressed with my ideas. I'm optimistic that I'll finally be able to fight crime the way it should be fought - with an iron fist."
"Besides," he added, "Blair has been ignoring me ever since he made me quit. He didn't even send me a Christmas card. I'm still waiting for my redundancy pay, and they won't let me back into my old office to pick up a few personal items. That jar of edible ointment is mine and I want it back."
"I'll be remembering all that when I'm Home Secretary again in Michael's Cabinet," he muttered.
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Oi, down here!
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