| |
Apathy Party reveals non-platform, set for election win
Encouraged by a poll conducted by the newspaper The Independent, the British Apathy Party (BAP) today partially revealed its non-platform for the forthcoming general election, widely expected for May 5th. The poll suggests that Britain is facing the lowest election turnout since 1918 as people who are disenchanted with the mainstream parties turn in increasing numbers to BAP.
Speaking to reporters party leader Gregory T. Mullet said that following its spectacular success in the 2003 local elections, BAP seems well-positioned to form the next government, "if we can be bothered." He said that it was clear that voters are fed up with establishment politicians. "Their policies are all basically the same anyway," he said, "and just tell me one good thing that any of them has ever actually achieved."
"Well, don't bother," he went on, "I'm not really interested."
"Anyway, who's to blame for it all," he asked. "You," he answered, "all of you who voted these people into office. Well the British Apathy Party proposes a way to avoid policies that don't work. Don't vote! We won't be, not even for ourselves."
He said that under the slogan "Apathy begins at home", BAP will not campaign on a non-platform that is designed to increase apathy substantially above its current record level.
He began to outline the key points of the party's non-platform, but gave up after a while as it was time for Coronation Street. He said that further details might be provided later this week or maybe sometime next month or whenever the party executive got around to thinking about it. The commitments he did reveal were:
- Raise the school-leaving age to 27 in order to discourage young people from developing ambition.
- Drastically increase the number of jobs in fast food outlets, for the same reason.
- Ban news and information programming on radio and television before the watershed hour of 11 pm, and midnight on Friday and Saturday.
- Complete the randomisation of public transportation "schedules" in order to eliminate expectations once and for all and foster an "it will arrive when it arrives" ethos.
- Implement the present government's proposal of diplomas for all in order to reduce the spirit of competitiveness that is the principal enemy of apathy.
Asked as he was leaving if he thought that these measures would work Mr. Mullet merely shrugged his shoulders.
Log in to read/write comments on this article
Hey, look at this!
|
|
