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Daily Mail refuses to apologise for offending everyone
22 Feb 2005
The Daily Mail group today refused to express regret or apologise to anyone for offending them. In a long list to be published in its flagship title in a six-part pullout special next week, the alleged newspaper detailed every single person and organisation it has offended since its inception.
Surprising nobody, the former Nazi-supporting newspaper group added further fuel to the row by launching further tirades against Ken Livingstone, asylum seekers and Victoria Beckham. The following is a short except:
Mr so-called Livingstone's choice of name for his son is as preposterous as it is typical. "Cruz." I ask you. It's not even a boy's name. Honestly, these footballers, they come over here and they run around on our grass. It's a disgrace, I tell you. Why can't they follow the example of David Beckham and seek asylum in Spain? Just don't choose the ugliest former Spice Girl as a wife. Her anti-Semitic style of dieting is an affront to every right-minded, honest, hard-working native British taxpayer. She should make a full apology immediately and hand over Mr Livingstone's child to our incompetent social services. She's not fit to be mayor.
"A week ago I said Mr Livingstone was an evil hobgoblin and said it was not my intention to apologise," said Daily Mail potato head columnist Ann Lee Potter Hefferlump. "I spent a further week of reflection in which I have continued to write abuse about him, and after a considerable lunch with my editor I see no reason not to continue pandering to people's prejudices."
"There will be no apology or expression of regret from the Daily Mail group."
After pausing for a swig from his/her hipflask, the columnist resumed his/her rant. "To all immigrants to this country I have this to say: you are responsible for your actions. That some of you may have experienced some supposed abuse in your home countries that caused you to seek refuge here is no excuse," he/she said.
"You chose to come here, so you have no right not to be repeatedly barked at by rabid right-wing journalists," he/she added. "If you don't like it you can jolly well go back to Spain with Mr and Mrs Smarty-Beckhams and take Red Ken with you."
A spokesman for the British public admitted that a "significant minority" of it agreed with the Daily Mail, but the rest realised that it was a load of "utter bollocks".
Late newsThe Daily Mail group's failure to apologise for the offence it has caused has had no discernable effect on house prices so far, experts have warned.
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