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Panic-buying and chaos as Britain is attacked by snow
24 Feb 2005
Panic has set in across southern England following an outbreak of powdery white stuff, known in some parts as "snow". Whole communities have been cut off, including most of Kent, as residents were unable to leave their homes for fear of "being cold" or "getting wet".
"This is possibly the greatest threat to our county since the Second World War," said Douglas Ramsbottom, a spokesman for Kent County Council which is currently located in a top-secret concrete bunker. "We are under attack. Enormous lumps of ice - some measuring as much as three centimetres across - are raining down on us from the heavens. May God have mercy on us all."
The government has appealed for calm. Home Secretary Charles Clarke also confirmed that under his proposed anti-terrorism legislation it would be illegal for snow to fall south of Lincolnshire, and anyone caught in possession of "snowballs of mass destruction" would be placed under house arrest.
The British transport system has predictably ground to a halt, with dozens of trains being cancelled after "the wrong type of snow" fell on some lines. Schools have also been closed in compliance with government regulations about faulty boilers, leaving many children playing outside with the aforementioned snow. Police have warned them not to touch the unknown substance as it may be dangerous.
Panic buying has meanwhile begun in Norwich after a supermarket manager revealed that the city could run out of food in as little as three months if he does not receive any new deliveries. "We are placing restrictions on what people can buy so that, even in the worst case scenario, we'll have enough food to go around," he said. "From today until this terrible weather is over there will be strictly one egg, piece of tofu and carton of Yazoo milk per person. I would urge people not to stockpile food."
Spokesmen for the RAF and the Red Cross said that they have contingency plans for emergency food drops for Norwich, but they only had enough maize to feed three people and a chicken. It is understood that the Disasters Emergency Committee will divert some of the funding intended for victims of the Asian tsunami to this new and much more serious cause, while a charity single is in the offing.
The United States has offered to send in troops to "liberate" the beleaguered people of southern England from the oppressive weather, and that offer is said to be under consideration.
The south of England has not been the only part of the UK to be hit by snow, however. In East Yorkshire some people were late for work because the roads were busier than normal and in Newcastle one local dressed in a t-shirt said that it was "a bit nippy", while in Scotland people built snowmen.
Late newsPolice are investigating after a powdery white substance was posted through the letterboxes of several houses in Canterbury. The area has been sealed off and victims have been put into isolation in hospital. A spokesman for the anti-terrorism branch said that so far there had been no fatalities.
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