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"Several hundred" terrorists plotting to be put under house arrest

2 Mar 2005 by hra

Tony Blair's latest warning that "several hundred" people are plotting acts of terrorism met with a suitably cowed response this week in the form of "several million" people up and down the country allegedly yawning, snorting cynically and plotting to turn off their radios.

The de facto dictator doubtless had his own reasons for choosing the ambience of BBC Radio 4's 'Woman's Hour' rather than the more usual democratic platform of the House of Commons for his latest doom-laden pronouncement, conveniently timed – together with the first successful prosecution of any terrorist in recent years - hours before the key Parliamentary vote.

Interviewed in a BBC follow-up on "Dick and Dom under house arrest in da Bungalow", terror suspect Douglas al-Ramsbottom put a surprisingly positive spin on the Government's controversial plans. Communicating via semaphore from his living-room window, he revealed how his terror network had actually welcomed the new laws as a way to "tie up huge amounts of resources, further discredit the security services and undermine democracy, or what's left of it". The draconian measures, he observed, were "propelling the country into precisely the kind of Big-Brother-type police state from which the West was supposed to be rescuing the rest of the world."

From a personal point of view though, al-Ramsbottom admitted that having to sit at home watching the rugby all day did have certain fringe benefits: "No train chaos, no traffic gridlock, no congestion charge, no speeding fines, and someone else gets to take the dog for a walk and queue up at Tesco for my shopping." But challenged over the loss of his civil liberties he reluctantly added (after a brief pause to watch the latest drop-goal) "At the end of the day, if your boss offered you a choice between being a suicide bomber or getting yourself locked up at home on suspicion of thoughtcrime, which would you pick?"

Speaking of his own arrest, al-Ramsbottom explained: "All I had to do was log into the al-Jazeera site a few times, making sure I did it from my own PC instead of someone else's at work in case the security services got confused, book a ticket for a 6-month trip to Afghanistan with Jihad Adventure Tours, and order a few other odds and ends such as a couple of bags of fertiliser, a can of diesel oil and a box of fireworks. Oh, and a Tony Blair dartboard. A few years down the line when they finally admit I haven't actually committed an offence, I can sue them for millions."

Rounding off the interview, al-Ramsbottom added with apparent relish, "And flog my story to the tabloids. We won't even have to bother with money-laundering any more at this rate."

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