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PopeWatch: Broadcasters pray for quick death
1 Apr 2005
Television news organisations are this morning praying for the Pope to "hurry up and die". The Pontiff, whose condition has been steadily worsening, was described by a source close to the controller of BBC One as "holding on with his fingertips and threatening to snuff it in the middle of EastEnders". "It's a bloody pain," she said, "we've already cancelled one programme because we thought he was dead, and we can do without losing any more. It just annoys people. There is such a thing as crying wolf, you know."
Journalists and presenters alike have been struggling to find words to describe a situation of such magnitude. "So yeah, he's almost dead, right, but there's only so many ways you can say that," complained a Sky News reporter. "We're getting repetitive. Even the betting we're running on SkyBet isn't going to keep people watching."
The BBC's Jeremy Bowen has been standing around with his moustache in the Vatican for a number of hours. "My legs are starting to ache," he complained to his producer, not knowing the camera was on him. "I think I'm getting DVT. I'll sue the bastards if I have to stand around for much longer."
ITV's reporter, who eventually arrived on the scene after swapping tickets with an easyJet passenger, quickly became sick of the monotony and began describing the people walking past him. "The gentleman over there in the blue sweater, he's been here for some time on this very sad occasion," he said respectfully. "And I think it really sums up just how truly momentous it is that the American lady over there in the pink blouse with the Mickey Mouse hat is talking relatively quietly into her mobile phone. A truly sad day here at the Vatican."
Religious experts are also growing bored of the Pope's imminent demise. "If I have to explain one more time how they hit the Pope on the head with a hammer to make sure he's dead I'll go up and whack him myself, dead or not dead," moaned Professor Gregory T Mullet of the University of Bootle.
Douglas Ramsbottom, an expert on repetitive news coverage, said that reporters were in danger of slipping into "Dimbleby mode". "Already I've noticed them talking much more slowly, and slipping in words like 'beloved', 'sacred' and 'much-loved'," he said. "If this goes on for much longer they'll get down to a rate of about one word a minute and then collapse."
The correspondent for Fox News is meanwhile understood to have located Rome and is on his way to Greece.
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Look at this, moron.
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