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PopeWatch: Fox News personally confirms the Pope's death

2 Apr 2005

Fox News [sic], the American alleged news channel, has confirmed that the Pope is dead. Despite a news release being issued by the Vatican and Archbishop Leonardo Sandri announcing John Paul II's passing to the crowds in St Peter's Square according to tradition, the world remained unconvinced until Fox News verified it.

According to its excitable anchorwoman, dressed in a sombre shocking pink blazer, an intrepid Fox News reporter personally visited the Pope's apartments and witnessed the traditional ceremonials, including a hammer being tapped on the Pontiff's head. However, unsatisfied that the procedure lived up to the channel's policy of being "fair and balanced" [sic], the reporter demanded that he too tap the Pope on the head.

Shocked aides were powerless to stop him in his request for ultimate certainty as he seized the hammer, live on television, and began thumping the Pope about the body with it. Once done, he produced a small power tool from his backpack. At this point the picture cut back to the astonished news anchor.

Following a short pause and the shuffling of papers, she announced that Fox News had confirmed that the Pope was dead, but she did not elaborate as to how.

A White House spokesman said that President Bush has placed a call to the Italian Prime Minister requesting that the reporter be released as quickly as possible as he is "one of his favourites".

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