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| You smell better than: Home > News | 18th March |
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 New pope to be chosen by internet voting4 Apr 2005 by Malcolm Drury
In a break with long-standing tradition the replacement for Pope John Paul II is to be chosen by on-line voting via the Internet, DeadBrain has learned.In the past the successor to a dead pope has been elected by cardinals from around the world. The process has involved four ballots a day until agreement on the new pope has been obtained, with cardinals writing their choice on a piece of paper and disguising their handwriting in an attempt to ensure confidentiality. After the votes have been counted the ballot papers have then been burned, with chemicals being added to produce black smoke if no decision has yet been reached and white if it has. However, this process has a number of problems. Foremost is that as a signatory to the Kyoto Protocol on greenhouse gas emissions Italy no longer permits the burning of chemically-enhanced scraps of paper. Not only is this contrary to the Kyoto principle but the unknown chemicals may be toxic and constitute a serious health hazard in an already very polluted Rome. In addition, for security reasons it is considered too dangerous nowadays to fly the voting cardinals to Rome. Quipped Vatican insider Monsignor Douglas Ramsbottom, "Losing a pope is tragic; losing several of his potential replacements on long-haul flights could be considered careless." According to Msgr Ramsbottom the new process will address all of these issues. "We're setting up a web site so that those who are eligible to vote can do so directly from home," he said. "It will be secure and confidential, and will permit a much faster process as we'll use software to tally the results. Rather than days or weeks, as in the past, we should be able to get a result in hours. And it will all be environmentally benign. No puffs of real smoke!" He noted that in a concession to traditionalists there would be an animated puff of white smoke on the web site when the final result has been obtained prior to the name of the successful candidate being revealed. However, he said that that would be the only animation, and he dismissed the suggestion that the Vatican will request the services of media statistical analyst and illustrator Peter Snow to explain the interim results as they come in. He also noted that there is absolutely no truth to a rumour that the new pope will take the name George Ringo I. DeadBrain wishes to point out that it has been unable to confirm any of the above with Fox News, which is the final arbiter of truth and accuracy, as well as fairness and balance, on matters relating to the papacy. Related Articles PopeWatch: Fox News personally confirms the Pope's death 2 Apr 2005
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