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Deirdre and Ken Barlow to replace Charles and Camilla

11 Apr 2005 by Malcolm Drury

Coronation Street's Deirdre and Ken Barlow are to take over the roles of Duchess of Cornwall and Prince of Wales respectively following the release of statistics that show they are overwhelmingly more popular than the current royal couple.

The televised marriage of Deirdre and Ken on Friday night was watched by almost 13 million people, in contrast to the Charles-Camilla wedding on Saturday, which only managed to garner 7 million viewers. According to media analyst and statistical expert Peter Snow this is a clear indication of whom the British public really prefer. "You can't ignore numbers like that," he said.

At a press conference on the Coronation Street set this morning Ken told reporters that he was still in shock, but he had always felt that he had a touch of aristocracy about him. He said that he should still be addressed as Ken but he expects people to genuflect and tug their forelock whenever they do speak to him. Deirdre was more circumspect. "By 'eck, this is a right turn up for the books, luv", she said. "I can't really take it all in. I'm off for a chip butty."

"There'll be no more of those," quipped Ken. "From now on it's caviar and cucumber sandwiches on the lawn, not fish and chips in the bus shelter!"

He noted that having met the Queen during her visit to Coronation Street in 1982 he felt sure that he would be able to get on very well with her in his new role as her heir. "She's a very gracious lady," he said. "I'm sure we'll get along famously."

The Barlows will henceforth be known as the Saxe-Coburg-Gotha-Barlows and will leave their terrace house in Coronation Street by the end of the month. It has not yet been decided which of Prince Charles's residences they will take over.

Contacted at his honeymoon location in Scotland and asked about the surprising fallout from the relatively low television audience for his wedding a grim-faced Prince Charles said only, "Well I'm glad you've heard of it, anyway."

Prince Harry Potter was unavailable for comment as he is still apparently recovering from a bout of post-wedding "flu".

In related news, a Clarence House spokesman today categorically denied a rumour that Camilla's wedding hat had been made from a porcupine.

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