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| You are slobbering over: Home > News | 5th July |
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 Michael Howard elected Pope20 Apr 2005 by stcrispin
The 2005 general election was thrown into turmoil last night when it was announced that the conclave of cardinals meeting in Rome had accidentally selected Tory party leader Michael Howard as the next pope. Although details are somewhat sketchy, it appears that the Howard boomlet began when one of the cardinals, impatient for a bathroom break, whispered to his neighbour, "Are you a-thinking what I'm a-thinking?" The thought was passed down the line and, before you could say "Habemus papam", Mr Howard was swept to victory with 90 votes, a total far exceeding most observers' expectations of his probable tally in the general election. Vatican insiders were somewhat defensive about the election of a non-believer to lead the world's largest Christian denomination, an act many consider to be equivalent to selecting Tony Blair to lead the Labour Party. "But, it's not the first time we've done something like this," observed Vatican spokespriest Monsignor Giuseppe della Pontevechio. "We used to elect some pretty non-Christian pontiffs during the Middle Ages and Renaissance. I've lost count of how many of the Borgias wound up in the top spot, and we were no worse the wear for any of that, if you don't count the Reformation. We expect Pope Howard I to do just fine, as long as no one tips off the Inquisitors to start nosing around Vatican City." While some conservative Catholics might chaff under the leadership of an individual who would likely be a person of interest to the authorities responsible for enforcing doctrinal orthodoxy within the Church, others are positively enthusiastic about the unique perspective His Howardly Holiness is expected to bring to Catholic theology. "For years, Catholics have professed to believe in life after death," commented Cardinal Douglas Ramsbottom, SJ. "Now, we've got a leader who is actually undead, which is as near to the real thing as most of us are ever likely to see." His Holiness-elect is said to be especially interested in the doctrine of transubstantiation, the belief that during the sacrament of communion the bread and wine are literally transformed into the body and blood of Jesus Christ. In fact, Mr Howard was recently spotted in a Westminster wine bar mumbling incantations over several bottles of Chateauneuf du Pape, which he then proceeded to consume while repeatedly telling reporters, "I never drink . . . wine." Mr Howard's election marks a number of firsts for Christendom. He is the first non-ordained pope since the patristic era, the first Transylvanian pope, and, apparently, the first pope who intends to hang onto his previous employment, at least until the voters decide otherwise in May. Labour leaders have refused to comment publicly on Mr Howard's election, although Mr Blair is believed to be somewhat concerned about future dealings with Mr Howard in his dual capacity as leader of the Christian world and head of the Tory Party. "Let's just say that Tony doesn't much like the idea of debating economic policy with someone who is widely regarded as infallible," said a Blair aide who asked to remain anonymous. "And kissing his bloody ring is right out." Meanwhile, representatives of the Irish Republican Army, rocked by the realization that their faith is now led by an Englishman, and representatives of the Ulster Defence Force, who are similarly shocked by the prospect that her Majesty's Government may be led by the Anti-Christ, were all unavailable for comment, but are believed to have mutually agreed to change sides. Related Articles PopeWatch: John Paul II responsible for all good in world since 1978 8 Apr 2005
Rant: The Pope, Schiavo and other tediousness5 Apr 2005
New pope to be chosen by internet voting4 Apr 2005
PopeWatch: Fox News personally confirms the Pope's death2 Apr 2005
PopeWatch: Tributes pour in2 Apr 2005
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