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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · George W Bush |
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| You are standing next to: Home > News | 20th March |
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WHO: Pope's ring a major health hazard3 Jun 2005 by JL Strickland
An alarming report just released by the World Health Organization has named the three most lethal ailments now threatening humanity.These nightmarish diseases are the new virulent form of AIDS arising in Africa; the deadly bird flu gaining ground in Asia; and a horrible, just-discovered contagion apparently emanating from the Pope's ring. Dr Gregory T Mullet, director of the WHO's Department of Really Scary Stuff, says as spooky as the first two diseases are, the Pope's ring poses the more immediate threat. According to Dr Mullet, the problem is caused by the fervour with which many worshippers approach the pontiff's finger adornment. Instead of bestowing a chaste little peck, they actually suck the ring into their mouths, with the accompanying discharge of saliva and heavy, hot breathing: a perfect incubator for spreading germs. "And being as many of these supplicants are Catholic priests, who can say where their mouths have been?" he added. The situation came to light recently after a weather researcher who lives at the North Pole came down with a disfiguring disease called "llama lip", a sinister rash only seen before on animal herders in the Andes. Shrewd medical detective work discovered that the North Pole resident and some South American pilgrims had recently been in Rome on the same day, and had taken turns slurping the Pope's ring. Emergency guidelines issued by the WHO request that one of the Pope's aides either spray the ring with a squirt of single malt holy water between osculations, or instruct the faithful to "just perform one of those phoney 'air kisses' perfected by show-business types". It seems unlikely, however, that either of these suggestions will be followed. In a statement issued today, Father K.Y. Kelly, Vatican Minister of Retarding Progress, said, "Anyone who only pretends to kiss the Holy Father's ring will most assuredly burn in Hell!" However, the World Health Organization is adamant in its warning: smooch the Pope's ring and you have French-kissed the millions who puckered before you.
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