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| You are hovering over: Home > News | 25th July |
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 Pentagon forced to end secret biological weapons project4 Jun 2005 by Steve Budgie
The Pentagon has been forced to admit that it developed a biological weapon to attack al-Qaeda. Amid a flurry of press releases at first denying the story the US Department of Defense finally had to admit that its weapon had been developed to the point of practical demonstrations and was nearing production when the project was ended due to "unforeseen events".This dark project came to light when crime reporter Greg Mullet took seriously a report to police in Washington that aliens were experimenting on naked people late one night in a park near the Pentagon. He identified the source of the report as an alcoholic toilet cleaner employed within the bastion of the US military and from that the story fell into place. In a secret desert base scientists combined the genes of the killer bee (Apis mellifera scutellata), the human flea (Pulex irritans) and pubic lice or crabs (Phthirus pubis) into a new genus of creature known as the LSC1. This mutant was to be delivered by means of small sticky canisters thrown into caves and crevices in which al-Qaeda operatives were thought to be hiding. Its expected effect was a catastrophic fall in terrorist morale due to discomfort and interpersonal recrimination. Known as the LSC1 bug, the creature was described by a test subject as the purest hell he'd ever experienced. In line with its genetic make up it combines the jumping ability of the flea, the irritant bite of crabs and the swarming instinct of the killer bee - hence its name, the Leaping Swarm Crab 1. Once introduced into a cave of terrorists the LSC would home in on the pubic areas of those in the cave. Each bite releases a hormone that causes other LSCs to swarm onto the victim. With the power of a flea's leap it was thought that easy swarming and transmission from one terrorist to the other would be possible. In this, however, lay the project's downfall. At a Pentagon demonstration for top brass and officers a supposedly empty canister turned out to be 'live' in a literal sense. As it was opened the swarm descended on a number of high-ranking military officials, leading to the 'alien experiments' as several dozen naked men were hosed down and then covered in insect powder in the park near to the Pentagon. These 'white ghostly figures', as they were described, were subsequently seen running towards the Pentagon followed by a number of figures wearing heavy-duty protective clothing. Due to the consequent closure of several floors of the Pentagon for five weeks and the realisation that US troops might fall prey to their own weapon if a less than patriotic idiot made a similar mistake on active service the project has been scratched from the inventory of weapons. Collateral damage by crabs was deemed unacceptable. No information is available as to the names of the 'top brass' present, but Donald Rumsfeld has been absent from his office for several weeks and sources say that he has been more irritable than usual. The officer responsible for the accident has been posted to a large swamp in Florida. In Britain a spokesman for the Ministry of Defence said, "Britain has no plans for its own mutant crabs. We find the ones inhabiting our squaddies more than sufficient at the moment." Related Articles Dumbed Down: That anti-terror legislation in brief 11 Mar 2005
Blair confirmed as toughest on terror10 Mar 2005
"Several hundred" terrorists plotting to be put under house arrest2 Mar 2005
Axis of Evil replaced by Outposts of Tyranny19 Jan 2005
Bin Laden's driver charged with terror traffic offences25 Aug 2004
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