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Exclusive: Prince Charles's teachers' college plans revealed
10 Jun 2005 by Malcolm DruryDeadBrain has obtained an exclusive preview of Prince Charles's plans for his proposed teachers' college.
In his latest rant and divergence from the mainstream the heir to the throne has announced that he intends to set up a permanent college for teachers of English, history and organic farming, to focus on what he calls the "timeless principles" of teaching. The permanent college would replace his present system of summertime colleges in a different location each year.
Addressing this year's class Charles bemoaned the fact that what he sees as "fashionable approaches" have become "excessively dominant". In particular, he questioned why some English students studied phone "texting" when there was "little time enough" for the classics. He said that learning should be "organic, just like farming".
Clarence House spokesman Douglas Ramsbottom told our reporter that plans for the college are at an early stage of development. However, he was able to give us a few details, and a copy of the proposed curriculum.
The "timeless principles" of teaching will feature hard wooden benches, unheated rooms, learning by rote, and floggings. The college itself will be located on the Isle of Bute, partly because of its remoteness from the monstrous carbuncles of London, but mainly because, as Duke of Rothesay, Prince Charles would be able to pick up land there for a song.
According to the prospectus provided by Mr Ramsbottom, the curriculum will focus heavily on "the reading of the classickes, the writing of good Englishe, and the principles of arithmeticke"
He said that the "classickes" would be limited to material up to and including Dryden, but nothing later, as, in the view of Clarence House, nothing of any consequence had been written since. Similarly, "good Englishe" would be defined as the language of Shakespeare.
As for "arithmeticke", it would be slanted towards the needs of the organic farming community and would focus on the basics of addition, subtraction, multiplication and division using the good old British units such as shillings, farthings, pence, yards, rods, chains, hundredweights, pounds and ounces.
"They're what made Britain great", said Mr Ramsbottom, who noted that, again in the view of Clarence House, "the rot set in when we went in for these fashionable metric units."
Prince Harry Potter is understood to have sent Charles a text message saying "gd 1 dad, gr8 idea, c u l8r", but in a twist of irony the recipient was unable to decipher it as he had never been taught text messaging. A perplexed Charles was overheard to mutter "fie, varlet, a pox be upon thee."
Mr Ramsbottom refused to respond when asked if it were true that the Duchess of Cornwall, Camilla "Cammy Knickers" Battenberg-Saxe-Coburg-Gotha, would be Matron at the college.
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