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Low
(10-15C) | "Cor, isn't it hot?" article from Max Hastings, shots of women in bikinis across the tabloids. | Blair takes off tie, Margaret Beckett takes off in her caravan. Hosepipe ban across south of England. | Charles Kennedy goes on walking holiday in Scottish Highlands. Tories have leadership crisis. |
Medium
(16-17C) | Boris Johnson goes running in questionable attire, Daily Telegraph prints photograph of young woman in bikini on front page. | Blair takes off jacket, rolls up sleeves. John Prescott goes swimming, forcing an evacuation of part of Bridlington beach. Hosepipe ban reaches Newcastle, railways begin to melt. Official state of drought. | Tories continue leadership crisis. Green Party overjoyed to get airtime. Kennedy holed up in pub until heat passes. |
High
(18-20C) | Strong criticism of government, special 12-page photo pullout of women sunbathing in Daily Telegraph. | Jack Straw finds pressing diplomatic engagement in Iceland. Blair replaces jacket and tie while in public, promises action to combat heat menace. Hosepipe ban covers whole of UK, Shetland islanders not happy. Railways now entirely liquid, roads melting too. UK turns to desert. | Kennedy's pub runs out of liquid. Tories grow bored of leadership crisis, elect leader and promise policy within 6 months. |
Emergency
(21-25C) | Media decides Something Must Be Done. Daily Mail asks whether sun causes cancer; is surprised to find it actually does. | Blair borrows son's t-shirt and shorts, hands out water to pensioners in Tunbridge Wells. M1 turns into a lake of tarmac. Railways evaporate and form cloud above Norwich before heading for Norway. Virgin Trains given huge subsidy, army called in to distribute emergency aid. UK begins to look like new BBC weather map. | Tories turn on new leader and call second contest. Kennedy missing. UKIP calls for earth to pull out of solar system. |
Crisis
(26C+) | Outraged columnists begin to spontaneously combust in offices. Daily Telegraph merges with FHM. | Evidence found linking heat wave to Iran's nuclear programme, immediate foreign diversion launched with thousands of troops. | Tory leader promises support. Kennedy brought in on stretcher to object. Kilroy burnt to a crisp. |
