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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · David Blunkett |
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| You just fell over: Home > News | 5th December |
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 Plans for alternative delivery of Royal Family functions revealed22 Jun 2005 by Malcolm Drury
With the news that the Royal Family cost Britons £36.7m last year, or 61p per taxpayer, the usual calls for the costs to be cut have started to appear - and this year, it seems that the government may take them seriously.A Downing Street spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity, conceded that the government has, indeed, been looking at alternative delivery mechanisms for the functions of the Family, including outsourcing them offshore. "India is an obvious choice for that, given its long, albeit temporary, association with the crown, but frankly it's a little bit gauche for that kind of function, and besides, most of its people are already working in call centres," he said. "So we're taking a serious look at Mexico." Despite the potential language problem, he said, the big benefit there would be that many Mexicans would undertake the work for peanuts. "Literally, in some cases," he added. But that was only one suggestion, he said. Among others were moving the current Family out of the expensive south-east to the cheaper north, making some of its functions available via the Internet rather than in person, and downsizing and aggregating job functions among those who remained. He noted that it may not be absolutely necessary for all of the Queen's offspring to be flying around the country in helicopters or using the royal train to go somewhere to open a factory. "Perhaps they could better plan their schedules and just one of them could cover multiple events," he said. "And there's no real reason why things like opening factories couldn't be done remotely anyway. After all, virtual reality is not a new technology." He emphasised that abolishing the Royal Family holus bolus is definitely not on the cards. "Well, not at present," he added. Of the possible choices for alternative service delivery, he said that outsourcing offshore was emerging as the best option. Not only would it be considerably cheaper but it would also free up a lot of valuable real estate that the current Family would no longer need and that arguably doesn't belong to them in the first place. "We have considered it before," he said, "but nothing came of it then." Prime Minister Blair was unavailable for comment as, according to the official, he has been ordered by doctors to rest after being overcome by shock brought on by his apology earlier today for the failures of the government's tax credits system. "The PM is not used to admitting that his government has done something wrong, never mind actually apologising for it, and the stress was just too much for him," said the official. He added that doctors expected Mr Blair to make a full recovery once he had stopped dribbling and saying "no, no, I didn't mean it" over and over. Late NewsIt is understood that Sir Richard Branson has offered to take over the running of the Royal Family, with a guarantee to get the cost per taxpayer down to 25p by the end of 2008. However, first reports are that Her Majesty has rejected the offer outright as she has no intention of being referred to as the Virgin Queen.Related Articles Exclusive: Prince Charles's teachers' college plans revealed 10 Jun 2005
Wales and Cornwall to merge, Isle of Bute may follow14 Apr 2005
Deirdre and Ken Barlow to replace Charles and Camilla11 Apr 2005
Blunkett accused in "Camillagate" love-triangle10 Apr 2005
Britons unite to witness and celebrate a happy event9 Apr 2005
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